“Hello, parents!
Today we are going to start with a concept you may have forgotten from your earlier lives. It’s called concentration.
Can you repeat after me? Con-cen-tra-tion.
This is the action you need to perform in order to achieve focus. Focus is another thing you may have forgotten about. When you were younger, you could focus for hours. Now, each time you wander into a state that approaches focus, someone small starts screaming, asks you to take them out for ice cream, or draws on the walls with permanent marker.
Oh, you remember? Only vaguely? Well, that’s good enough.
OK, so let’s start. Here’s how we achieve concentration.
First, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. No, Mina, do not check your Smartwatch™. Howard, are you breathing shallowly? Wait, you’re hyperventilating? Here’s a paper bag. Don’t mind the peanut butter smears. I hope you’re not allergic.
Back to concentration. When we concentrate, we focus on the task at hand and we don’t think about what might be happening in the next room. Even though we hear a sound that resembles the sound of a rock hitting the Steinway passed down to us by our grandmother, we look carefully at our computer screen at the text that is in front of us. We are going to achieve concentration and actually read and absorb this text.
What’s that, Jen? You say you haven’t actually read your way through an entire screen of text since the day you were reading Proust on your iPad and you went into labor? Proust….hm….I have a vague memory of what that is. I don’t think it involves children, though, so my brain seems to have erased it.
Never fear, you will forget many, many more things in your lifetime than you will remember! You will become at peace with that. However, right now, we must concentrate.
This block of text on the website in front of you describes a class you are considering for your oldest child. It contains the answers to every question ever asked by every parent, which is why it is so long and detailed. Parents ask a lot of questions.
Now, please focus and read the page. Then we will discuss and see how much of the information you have retained and understood.
No, Mina, you may not step out to call your ten-year-old. What were you thinking, leaving a ten-year-old in charge of your six-year-old ADHD ODD OCD twins? Didn’t you imagine the headline, “Mom Takes Care of Own Needs and Tragedy Strikes Household”? How are you ever going to be nominated for Homemaker of the Year if you run about taking care of yourself?
Put your head between your knees, Howard. It will be fine.
Yes, Carol? The text on the screen is blurry? You haven’t seen an ophthalmologist since you were twenty-two? Perhaps you are becoming far-sighted. I’d lend you my reading glasses but I believe my six-year-old borrowed them to start fires in the front yard.
OK, everyone, I notice that you are whispering amongst yourselves rather than concentrating. Remember, repeat after me: Con-cen-tra-tion. It’s what we are here to do. I not only teach your children; I also model perfect parenting and adult life for you. You see, I have four children and here I am, dressed impeccably, my hair done, wearing makeup, and projecting a calm, cool demeanor.
You would never know that I was late getting out of the house this morning because my child and my cat were both projectile vomiting on the carpet. You would never know that my husband told me last night that I seem like a stranger to him, and I responded by asking him if he could work at home in the morning because the plumber was coming to fix the dishwasher that had exploded and ruined the kitchen floor and I have to run children to four different appointments at the same time. I also asked him which model of dishwasher he thought was best, because I hadn’t bought one in the last month because I was torn between the one that saves more water and the one that uses less electricity. You would never know that our dishwasher was broken because in order to compensate I used only disposable dishware and then because I felt guilty about making so much garbage, I have been sneaking out nightly at 2 a.m. to put them in my neighbor’s can. Which reminds me that I really enjoying accompanying my second-grader on the tour of our local recycling facility. I set an alarm on my Smartwatch™ for 2 a.m. every night, on buzz so it doesn’t wake up my husband. Did I tell you that I used to teach at a university? Did you know that I used to remember all the important dates in American and British history? You know, I wonder whether my husband paid the babysitter when he got home. I hope he got home. The babysitter needs to get to her doctor’s appointment on time. I worry about her. She’s got so much going on in her life, I wonder how she can handle it. Last night I did a bunch of research for her on migraines. Did you know that—
What’s that, Mina? Your house is on fire? But wait, did you read the page? I still need to ask you the questions! I have them all written down! I spent two hours last night when everyone else was sleeping working on this presentation, and goddammit, I want you all to do what you’re supposed to do. Someone in my life needs to do what she’s supposed to do, and it’s not going to be me! Read that page and concentrate now. It’s my way or the highway, folks. You’ll never learn to concentrate if you don’t just Do What I Say…
…Where did Howard go? Oh, you all have to go so soon? Really we were just getting started.
Oh, OK, bye Carol. Thanks for coming.”
Parents these days. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with them. If only they’d listen to me, I’d show them the way….
