We recently had a series of disasters at our house, from rats eating our plumbing to a solar flare knocking out our Internet. Inevitably, while we were navigating the maze of construction-during-Covid, someone used the phrase “first world problems” to remind me that not having plumbing in our kitchen isn’t the worst problem to have.
I understand the phrase and I get its point: I know that my life is easy compared to the lives of many humans on this planet. I try to be conscious of the gifts I was given as an accident of my birth. Our family tries to live economically, pollute as little as possible, support others, and give money to good causes.
But that doesn’t mean that I like that phrase, because frankly, it misses the point.
Orchids and dandelions
One piece of psychology research that particularly fascinates me explores a phenomenon that every one of us has experienced: given the same privileges and the same challenges, no two people react the same way.
You’ve seen it if you have siblings: despite sharing the same genetics and environment, you responded differently under the same circumstances.
Given the same challenge, one person will feel energized and move forward, while another will fold. Given the same bad event, one person will cheerfully continue, while another will fall into despair. The size and magnitude of the challenge is not important. There are happy people living in abject poverty and miserable people living in comfort.
This phenomenon has been named “Orchids and Dandelions,” referencing the sensitivity of the former and the hardiness of the latter. It turns out that what you notice in your siblings is true: given the same challenges, people do not respond in the same way.
Relative despair does not translate
So which is worse, the opiate epidemic of the 2000s or the crack epidemic of the 1980s? Are you willing to make that judgment?
I’m not. The crack epidemic was concentrated in (though not confined to) inner city Black neighborhoods. The opiate epidemic is concentrated in (though not confined to) white suburban and rural populations. Whose relative despair was greater? Does it matter?
I believe that it doesn’t. Each human experiences their own life within the confines of time and space. We can know that others are suffering more in some relative way, but that doesn’t necessarily mitigate our own suffering. In fact, the most miserable people living comfortable lives in the US may in fact be more miserable contemplating the misery of the poor of Bangladesh.
Relative despair is simply not meaningful.
First world problems are human problems
When someone replies to your expression of despair with the phrase “first world problems,” they are dismissing you. They are saying that your despair is not valid, that by expressing your despair, you are insulting the millions who suffer greater physical distress than you do.
It’s truly an offensive phrase. And I say that even from the perspective of someone who does not suffer when being on the receiving end of it.
I know that I largely fall on the dandelion end of the spectrum. I did not suffer greatly from having to wash dishes in the bathroom sink, and in fact, although I swore some and expressed my annoyance at times, I largely did take a “look on the bright side” view of it.
But I also know people for whom the series of minor, first-world disasters that we’ve lived through in the last month would have been emotionally devastating. And their despair would not be relative. It’s despair, and despair sucks.
Compassion comes first, no matter what “world” you’re in
No matter how we move through this world, we have to keep compassion as the tool that we use to navigate amongst our fellow humans. And I say this as someone who has to work hard at compassion. I get angry thinking about the way some people bring on their own problems. I get annoyed at orchids I know who seem to melt at the first rays of sunshine that hit them. I know I’m not an exemplar of the advice that I’m doling out here.
But when I hear someone slight my little despairs, I think of the people for whom such a slight really would be hurtful. I know that despair over a kitchen sink is not the same as despair that you can’t feed your child or escape a war zone. But it’s despair, and despair is real.
‘First world problems’ is a nasty little phrase used to wound and shame. We can do better than this. We must.
