Category: Parenting

How did I get here?

Posted on by Suki

When I was in college, the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime was popular with students. One of my friends, I vaguely remember, set an entire room full of test-taking students into guffaws by calling out, apropos of nothing, “This is not my beautiful pencil!”

But the part of the song that’s relevant today goes like this:

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself: Well… How did I get here?”

Well… How did I get here?

At the time I heard that song, I was young and rebellious. I listened to dark music (I actually didn’t own any Talking Heads because it wasn’t quite depressing enough) and wore rather outlandish clothing. I dyed my hair various shades that could be described as blood red to putrid purple. My friends called me Siouxsie after my online handle (this was the strange time before the Internet, where I would go to a terminal room and log on to Stanford.arpa). We called ourselves “death rockers,” the people now known to the world as “goths.” Our perhaps most unfortunately famous counterparts were the boys at Columbine.

These days, I know plenty of moms, especially homeschoolers, who will tell me, “This is what I always wanted to do with my life.” They always wanted to be moms, and everything else they did was leading up to that time.

One mom told me that from when she was a child, she planned to homeschool her kids!

I have to say that I’m fantastically envious of anyone who can be so certain about anything. I am still not certain about what color I want my hair to be, even, though putrid purple is out of the running these days.

I don’t know if moms like me are in the majority or the minority. It’s sort of the third rail of parenting: the topic we can’t really talk about. Once you have brought these beings into the world and you are responsible for them, it’s not terribly helpful to think of where else you might want to be, what else you might want to be doing. In fact, spending too much time thinking like that can cause serious ruptures in the parent-child continuum we call “family.”

It’s best not to think of it at all.

But since I’m on the subject…

Last I remember I was a still-rebellious, though more naturally-colored-haired adult, striving to be a writer, making money by teaching and doing graphic design. I don’t remember ever signing up for being a stay-at-home homeschooling super-mom. In fact, if someone had shown me a crystal ball into the future, I probably would have smashed the darn thing and gone back to my notebook.

These days, I don’t even bother to carry my writer’s notebook anymore. No time to write. Too many nosy kids wanting to know what I’m writing.

I know other moms like me. We sometimes get to shout a few helpful words to each other across a room full of ebullient kids. Or we end up at the same homeschooling support meeting, sighing as another mom says, her eyes sparkling, “I always wanted to be a homeschooling mom!”

But I wonder how many of us really know how we got here. Whether for us this was due to choice or just circumstance. And now that we’re here, how do we make the most of it? Can we even bear to think, “What if?” Can we dare to think, “Maybe once they’re on their own…” or even, “It’ll be easier when they’re teenagers.”

It’s just enough to get through the day feeling like, perhaps, we’ve done a good enough job for today. Tomorrow is simply too exhausting to think about.

OK, here goes: I did a good enough job, for today. Tomorrow, who knows?

Mother’s Day Musings

Posted on by Suki

Like most of you, I am spending my Mother’s Day being a mother. What that means to each of us varies slightly by our customs, values, and geographical location. But in basic terms, we create, we nurture, we teach, and then we let go.

ModelingOne mothering task I’ve spent some time on today is one happening in a good number of American households, I suspect: helping my son finish a project that was just a little more of a stretch of his abilities than he’d thought. I’ve heard and read a lot of parents say that this is one part of parenting they hadn’t planned on. They thought that they were going to send their kid to school, the teacher would teach, the kid would learn, and then it’s off to college and a job.

It occurs to me, though, that we modern Americans have got a few things backwards. In recent readings I’ve come across variations on a theme that goes somewhat like this: When our children are babies, we understand how to teach them. We talk to them using the words we want them to learn, we hold their hands as they take their first steps, we praise them for drawings that we could do much better ourselves.

Yet as our children grow, especially when they enter school age, our culture starts to encourage to force kids to learn the “right” way. While before we were showing them examples, incorporating learning into their everyday lives, and praising them for their efforts, as they start to “study” (as opposed to learn), we throw that all out the window. We expect learning to happen somewhere else, we expect them to learn a body of knowledge and skills divorced from their usefulness, and we show them our displeasure through grading, testing, and “high expectations.”

One thing I have especially been aware of has been how our culture looks at parents “helping” their older school children. Just a few days ago I sat at the awards ceremony for the state science fair. You can’t get more positive about learning than a science fair. But when one participant’s first prize was announced and his project mentor had the same last name as him, the man next to me groaned and rolled his eyes. The implication was clear: Oh, these pushy parents reliving their glory through their children.

Now, I agree that there is too much of this. I’ve come across it myself. However, if we agree not to include parents who basically do the work for the child, telling them what to do step by step, not letting the child make mistakes, we’re only ruling out some of these cases of parents “helping.” Clearly this method of helping is not helping at all – it’s inflating the child’s sense of what she is capable of, and setting her up for an awful, self-esteem-smashing fall

But let’s ignore that sort of “help” and look instead at the sort of help that parents give children when they’re very young. All parents want their children to walk, but none of them walk “for” the child. We carry when necessary, we hold hands, but we know that if we never let the child practice the skill with help and encouragement, it won’t happen.

As our children grow, our role in their learning should not become less important. I think it becomes more important. We are still their models and their guides, though the learning they are doing is often what we would call “school work” and not “natural” learning like walking.

Since I started homeschooling, I have really learned the difference between destructive “helping,” where a parent makes sure that a child never fails by simply doing the child’s work and coaching him to make it seem like it’s his own, and constructive helping, where a parent models skills and guides a child.

It’s well-known in the music world that most of the great musicians had musical parents. In the past, this was incorrectly believed to be genetic. In fact, you still hear people saying, “I didn’t get musical genes.”

But really, the reason that children of musicians become musicians themselves is that their parents modeled the behavior and then encouraged it in their own children. (Yes, I will agree with you that some parents go way too far in the encouragement category, but you can’t practice for your child.)

I’ve known plenty of people who have discovered a love of something that was never modeled for them in their families, and those people figured out a way to do that thing that spoke to them. Most of them find a mentor outside of the family, I suspect. Few of us really achieve something all on our own, without some sort of modeling to build on.

So yes, my son decided to do a project that was a little past his abilities. And for the last few days we have been grappling with this. But I hope that my role has been mentoring, so that in the future, he’ll be able to do this on his own. And I know that in mentoring him, I’ve learned a bit more about myself as well.

My children are no longer sustained by the food from my body. They no longer need me to carry them. They speak enough language to get all the basics of life taken care of.

But that doesn’t mean that now I should just let their ships crash on the rocks that I could lead them past. I hope that as I lead them past those rocks, they are watching how I do it. And next time, they’ll be that much closer to independence.

Welcome to the hairy potty homeschool. Please be seated and stop arguing with your sister.

Posted on by Suki

I admit I’ve come rather late into the game. I have only just now been introduced to Harry Potter.

Yes, it’s true: Harry Potter has been part of our household for six years, and I have managed to avoid him. My husband read the first two books out loud to our son, then declared it of no further interest. Our son became obsessed, reading Harry Potter — or as he was often called in our house, Harvey Pooter — over and over. The library’s copies took turns living at our house, squirreled away in his bookshelves or under his bed till I sought them out, attempting to avoid yet more late fees.

Finally we bought our son a set, and promptly had to “disappear” them when he became way too obsessed. Since then, we’ve had to disappear them twice.

A boy needs some time to be Potterless, we believe.

But recently, we finished an audiobook in our car and had nothing new to start. Audiobooks are what keep my children from tearing each other apart in the car. It was a deeply scary moment, in which I pondered our being scarred for life after the duel that would ensue.

Then my son suggested, “I’ve got the first Harry Potter on my iPod.”

The sun came out and he plugged in. My daughter and I got introduced to Harry.

So far, we have finished books 1 and 2 and are on the third. So far, I haven’t really prodded my kids for much.

I will, though. This is a homeschooling moment too fertile to give up. Just why is every boy — and many girls — under 15 obsessed with these books? I am already planning how I might start working it into curriculum.

…Which leads me to imagine my children — perhaps all homeschooled children — as adults…

My adult child slinks furtively into an alley, his hands in his pockets. He sees a shadowy figure in a doorway.

“Do you got the stuff?” he asks the figure. He may be a homeschooled dork who hasn’t been allowed to watch TV, but he knows the lingo.

“I got it,” a gruff voice answers from the shadows.

“Is it…” — my son pauses with pregnant longing — “Do you guarantee that it’s not educational?”

“This is good stuff,” the gruff voice answers haughtily. “Not educational. What do you think I’m selling — Sesame Street?”

A hand exits the darkness holding the goods.

A book.

A book with absolutely no educational content. My son drools. His other friends who were homeschooled will be so jealous at this…

OK, back to our regularly scheduled blog.

Here’s my question: Why doesn’t Harry ever confide in adults?

Harry’s got Dumbledore, the most upstanding wizard of his generation. This is a man who sees all, and who understands all, and who forgives all. Note to self: Teach kids about Jesus figures in literature.

Why doesn’t Harry tell him that it’s Snape out to get him? Then everything would be SO easy. Dumbledore would explain why Snape isn’t out to get him, and how he’s planned the whole darn thing, down to Harry getting slime all over his socks.

Or something like that.

It fascinates me that this series has so captivated young modern Californians. Harry is so old-world. So pre-New Age. He never confides in adults. He doesn’t tell people what he’s feeling. If he did, there would be no story. Everything would be worked out so easily. All the happy people would hold hands, hug, and “make it right.”

But our kids are fascinated by these books. Our kids who have been raised to be so emotionally intelligent, to divulge their feelings and listen to the feelings of others. They not only read about Harry’s stiff upper lip and believe it….they eat it up. They love it.

I have no answer to offer here. I personally find Harry frustrating. Sheesh — why didn’t he confide in a trusted adult about the dogs? Oh, if only he’d told the truth when Professor Dumbledore gave him an opening.

But no, Harry never does confide, never does tell the truth when he could just forge on ahead and let his destiny play out. And we love him all the more for it.

There’s a moral here somewhere, but that will have to wait for another homeschool moment. Until then, join me in joking about our hairy potty. At least the kids aren’t fighting in the back seat.

Cookies for cancer

Posted on by Suki

I can’t do it better than Michelle, so I’m just passing on her note:

Dear Friends,

If you have spent any time on facebook over the past few months, you have no doubt seen me mention Prince Liam and the Mamas night out I am planning. For those who have not, here is a little background:

4 years ago, while reading one of my parenting magazines, I saw something about Gretchen Witt and her sweet Prince Liam. Liam, at just the age of 2, had been diagnosed with neuroblastoma.  I started following her blog in which you could feel the love she had for her children in every word that she wrote. Thrown into this new world of Cancer, she learned that only 30% of children survive neuroblastoma. She found out that these terrible odds were because very little money was being spent by the government and pharmaceutical companies on childhood cancer; something that was the leading cause of death by disease in children under 18.  So what did she do, she organized a bake sale. Gretchen got volunteers to help make and sell 96,000 cookies, and in just in three weeks raised $400,000 for childhood cancer research and cookies for kids’ cancer was born.

For almost 4 years I followed her journey. I organized a few bake sales and put her in touch with Cara Pearson, of Pacific Cookie company, a  local business that makes the delicious cookies you order on the cookies for kids cancer website. While Liam’s journey was not an easy one, he was a brave and strong little boy who always had a smile on his face and inspired people everywhere to make a difference and hold bake sales to raise money. I had no doubt in my mind that this little boy was going to beat this awful cancer and was going to have a long and wonderful life with his loving family by his side.

When Gretchen posted this update on facebook back in January, my heart sank.
“I can’t talk. The scans were awful. His disease is now at the point where it’s laughing at chemo. I need more time with him to love him and be loved by him. He is pure love and life and joy and kindness and strength. Why? And how can that be taken away from me?”

While the updates over the past few months, had not been so positive, I was still shocked to read such terrible news. A week after this update, Liam passed away. When I found out, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me and I began to cry. I cried for a little boy I never met who was taken much too soon and I cried for his mom who did everything she could possibly do to save him and now had to somehow go on without him. What kind of justice is there in a world where a mom who has done so much to raise money and awareness about childhood cancer, could do nothing to save the boy who inspired it all. It broke my heart to read that Gretchen had felt like she failed her son. She did not fail him, society failed him by not making a bigger deal about childhood cancer. While many in her position would be too devastated and angry to go on with fundraising, her resolve is now even stronger. In the days, weeks and months after Liams death, she has continued to encourage people to hold bake sales so that her sons death does not have to be in vain.

As the weeks went on after his death, I realized I had to do something. Something to show that I cared. Something to remind me that this could have been my child. Something to show all the moms out there who get the diagnosis of childhood cancer that I will do whatever I can to ensure that the 50 kids who get his diagnosis today will have a better outcome than he did. When Cara and I got together a few weeks after Liam passed away we both knew that we had to do something big. Over the course of our meeting; an idea that started as a birthday party/bake sale in May to honor Liam, turned into “mamas night out”. Moms everywhere take a break from their kids every month. Why not take this idea and turn it in to something good. We felt strongly that moms needed to show Gretchen and the thousands of other moms out there in the same situation, that together that we will a make a difference. This brings me to why I have stepped way out of my comfort zone to ask my friends for help. We are planning an amazing mamas night out event on May26th at the Top of the Ritt in downtown Santa Cruz. The attached letter talks more about the event and what we are looking for; raffle prizes and sponsorship. If Liam’s story has touched you and you want to help out, your kindness will be greatly appreciated. If you are not in a position right now to help out, please feel free to forward this email on to someone who may want to get involved. If you are planning to come to the event, you can buy tickets here: http://mamasnightout.eventbrite.com/.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.
Michelle Riddle

About Cookies for Kids Cancer:
In the fall of 2008, Gretchen and Larry Witt launched Cookies for Kids’ Cancer as a national non-profit supporting all types of pediatric cancer at leading research institutions. Pediatric cancer is the number one disease killer of children in the U.S. taking the lives of more children than asthma, AIDS, multiple sclerosis and muscular dystrophy combined. A lack of funding into new and improved therapies contributes to this sobering statistic. Through the concept of local bake sales and online cookie sales, Cookies for Kids’ Cancer inspires individuals, organizations, and businesses to join in the fight against pediatric cancer by raising the funds and awareness necessary to change the face of pediatric cancer and provide more families with the hope they deserve.
The organization is a recognized 501(c)3 non-profit

How do we get by? Homeschooling families talk about how to make ends meet

Posted on by Suki

From the outside, homeschooling sometimes seems like a luxury to families who think they can’t afford to have one spouse “not working.” But homeschooling families say that no matter what their finances or their family structure, they find a way to make it work.

Probably the commonest scenario is that the primary homeschooler has to cut her (or his) work down to part-time. Substitute teacher Maricela Sandoval did just that, and she loves the flexibility.

“I enjoy my job because if we decide it’s a beautiful day to go to the beach, we go,” Maricela explains. “I don’t have to call off work.  I just don’t take any assignments for that day.  Yes, I don’t get paid, but sometimes that doesn’t compare to family time.”

Other homeschooling parents might run a business out of their homes that they can do when the kids are busy. Or they might offer a homeschooling related service, such as teaching or childcare.

Homeschooling mom Jaime Smith moonlights as G3 instructor Headmistress Guinevere at the online homeschooling academy she created at first to fulfill the needs of her daughter and her friends (see OnlineG3.com). At this point, Jaime admits, “If I added up all the hours I would probably frighten myself!”

Some parents are able to share the homeschooling and the work, which can lead to a rich homeschooling life for the parents and kids alike.

“We both work about 75% of a job, allowing us to each have time to homeschool the kids and all of us to have family time together,” says high school and college instructor Jennifer Henderson. “We are tied to the school calendar, which is often disappointing, but we know how fortunate we are to have the jobs that we do.”

Other careers that work on shifts, such as nursing, can work well with homeschooling, as do careers that can be done at unusual hours, such as bookkeeping.

Henderson points out that when you can do some of your work off-site, the bits of time when your kids are occupied can be used to chip away at work. “We are able to do a lot of the work at night, while we are watching the kids take classes, or in small chunks of time throughout the day as the kids allow.”

Homeschoolers are also ingenious about finding cheap and free ways to educate their kids. Aside from the obvious – the public library, the Internet – there are all those ways you can avoid buying expensive curriculum by making it up yourself.

“99% of my son’s schooling is done via TV, Xbox 360, and the Internet,” says Carrie Courter, a single mom who started homeschooling her teenage son this year. “I’m forever recording programs that we’ll both find interesting, and we watch some of them together, pausing to discuss things, look things up on the Internet, etc.  Usually most games have something in them that is historical.  So he researches to see if it’s accurate or not.  He started this on his own, but what he’s learned is mind-boggling to me.”

Local parks can be a free or cheap way to learn as well. “We went to Joshua Tree National Park,” Sandoval remembers. “This activity cost only $15 for admission into the park and entertained us all day, not including gas.”

Previous editions of The California HomeSchooler have included lists of free services provided by your public libraries. Book clubs, math clubs, and drama clubs can all bring homeschoolers together while costing  literally nothing. If three homeschooling families get together and share their skills, homeschooling can be enriching and allow the parents to have some time off for making money or recharging their homeschooling drive.

“We also try to take advantage of freebie activities like going to the museum on free days or  discounted rates to zoos or amusement parks,” Sandoval adds. “In addition, I try to take advantage of activities with other homeschooling families whenever possible.”

Homeschoolers show that the key to getting by is being creative with what you’ve got… and remembering to enjoy it.

This article was originally published in The California HomeSchooler.

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