“This was not my idea. I don’t want to be here.”
In my goal-setting course and in my book Homeschool with Confidence, I walk teens through the process of setting and achieving goals. And each semester, I ask the students to tell me whose idea it was for them to be there.
Since 2016, only one student has ever answered, “mine!”
Goal-setting sounds…bo-o-o-o-o-oring!
That’s the first hurdle I have to get over with teens, and I do it by keeping in mind the educational property of transfer. According to whoever wrote this web page for Yale, “‘Transfer’ is a cognitive practice whereby a learner’s mastery of knowledge or skills in one context enables them to apply that knowledge or skill in a different context.”
It’s an easy concept: a piano student practices scales and arpeggios not because they’re pretty music, but because playing them builds skills that they will apply when actually playing music.
But scales are… bo-o-o-o-o-oring! And many a piano student has quit in frustration when their teacher emphasizes scales too early.
So…start with enjoyment
I start by asking students what they like to do. Some of them respond with academic pursuits, some respond with so-called “extracurricular” activities, and many respond with…you guessed it…playing video games!
But no matter what their response, that’s where we start to build their goal-setting skills. Students are passionate about their passions! And yes, some students have passions that align well with their parents’ expectations. But many teens’ passions seem unimportant, or worse, a waste of time to their parents.
Build on passions
In my course, no pastime is a waste of time. If the only thing a kid can tell me really lights up their world is a videogame, well, that’s where we start. And I say this as someone who has played Minecraft once. (Short version: I started to walk, fell into a hole. Painstakingly climbed out of the hole, turned around, and fell back in. Went off to make dinner while my kids continued to play.)
It’s important not to judge any other person’s passion if you want to reach them, and in any case, the relative “value” of their passion is not important. I’ve had students whose initial goals were built on gaming, coding, photography, cleaning out a basement storage room, doing push-ups, and planning a D&D campaign. Their success at goal-setting had no relationship to any value that their parents or I ascribed to their goal—but their success was intrinsically tied to the value that they ascribed to their goal.
Focus on positive success
The human brain likes to succeed. Once we experience that feeling, we seek it out. If the only thing a kid ever succeeds at is getting attention for hitting another kid, that’s what they’ll seek out. If the only success a teen ever feels is hiding their gaming from their parents, that’s what they’ll seek out. Shaming our kids will always backfire, because shaming excites our brains and gives us a backwards sense of success by focusing attention on a negative attribute.
Sure, we don’t want our kid to be a bully or a 30-year-old living in their parents’ basement playing games all day. But the way we get the result we want is to set them up for success that feels just as good—or preferably better—than the negative attention that sends them in the wrong direction.
Step into their world
The way to get buy-in with goal-setting is to turn around and step into your teen’s world. What is important to them? What do they want to happen in the short-term? (Please don’t ask them what they want to be doing when they’re 30—they don’t even believe in 30 yet!)
Express your own enthusiasm and support of a goal, no matter how small. That kid who came into my class and made a goal of organizing a room in his basement initially did it to make a little space for himself. But how surprised was he when his dad came in and joined him in the effort? By the end of our 8-week course, they had created a new work space in their basement and were planning projects to do together.
Trust the transfer
This is the hard part: You have to trust that as your child matures, they will automatically do a transfer of skills. Goal-setting is a skill that can be practiced using any activity, no matter how small. Once they need it, they will have the skill to apply to more “important” pursuits.
The parent of the student who was designing D&D campaigns told me that the student was “totally disorganized and couldn’t plan anything.” Well… I beg to differ. Each week, the student would upload snapshots of all the work they’d done, and it was impressive. Sure, it was “just Dungeons & Dragons,” but they were developing pretty awesome organizational skills. At the time, they didn’t yet value academics in the same way, but once they did, they’d be ready.
The student who only wanted to code every day and all day is a great example. They realized that in order to get into the college they wanted, they’d have to focus on academics, and so they applied their problem-solving skills to academics without a hitch—but only once they valued college as a goal.
We’re all works in progress
We parents spend a lot of time telling kids what to do, but how much time do we spend telling kids little tidbits about who we are, what we want, and how hard it is to get through a day knowing we haven’t yet reached our own goals? I’m not advocating bo-o-o-o-o-oring your kids with unnecessary details, but just a little bit of, “Wow, I’m really excited I finished that project” or “I think I bit off more than I could chew—any advice?” can let kids know that you’re still a work in progress, too.
Our teens may look “all grown up,” but they are works in progress, and with support and encouragement, they will be able to reach their goals.
