Psychology Archives : Suki Wessling, writer

Remember: there’s one door you can’t lock

Posted on December 16, 2021December 16, 2021 by Suki

Being sad is part of the holiday season. Anyone in mental health care can tell you that. In my case, I’m sad this holiday season not for myself, but for others.

Many in this country appear to believe that the door to their heart can be closed and locked.

They’re wrong.

HATRED SHOULD NOT BE OUR NEW NORMAL

Photo by Francesco Tommasini on Unsplash

Americans have always had lively disagreements about policy. Democracy is built on healthy disagreement.

But there’s something new going on:

People who in the past used to disagree about policy now express hatred of each other as individuals.
People who in the past would never have acted out in public now feel they can harass or even attack those they don’t agree with.

MY FRIENDS ARE SCARED OF THEIR FAMILIES

Every day I seem to talk to someone who is living in fear of the holidays. They used to have policy disagreements with family members, and maybe there would be a lively political fight at the dinner table.

But now their family members hate them. As people.

Their family members parrot talking heads who speak approvingly of killing people they disagree with.

Their family members display political paraphernalia that encourages hatred and violence. They drink their warm, comforting beverage out of mugs that advertise hatred of individual humans.

MY FRIENDS (and I) ARE SCARED FOR THEIR FAMILIES

I grew up around lots of intolerant people. But most of those people stated their intolerance in generalized terms and in private. They didn’t spew it into the faces of strangers at a restaurant or people standing in line at a store.

There are places in this country now where I don’t want some of my family members to go. Some of us can hide the differences that make people want to hate and hurt us.

But my friends and I have family members who can’t hide. Their skin, the shape of their nose, their Adam’s apple—something about them gives them away as someone to be despised by haters.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO HATE

My father, a conservative, and one of his closest friends, a liberal, had many lively conversations throughout my childhood. But they were friends. They were decent to each other. Their friendship deepened their understanding of “the other.”

But these days, there’s a lot of noise out there telling you that in order to be pure in your political beliefs, you have to hate those you disagree with.

It’s not true.

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, CRACK OPEN THAT DOOR

You don’t have to love or even like politicians. I won’t tell you not to have a personal disdain, or even hatred, for a politician who promotes or enacts policies that you despise. That’s politics. That’s democracy.

But when your family members walk in that door, remember that they are individual humans. When you express hatred of humans who disagree with you, you are expressing hatred of them. Open your heart. Forget about trying to lock them out—you can’t.

That lock on your heart is poison. Hatred will eat you from the inside out. Those people who are selling hatred want you to be eaten up, they want your attention—they want to pull you away from your family.

Don’t let them.

Disagree, accept, move on.

Armchair expertise strikes again

Posted on October 27, 2021October 27, 2021 by Suki

I have to tell you: I am so relieved that my neighbors commenting on our local fire department’s Facebook page are such skilled wildland fire fighters that they know exactly what went wrong with a controlled burn near my town a couple of weeks ago. To think that the burn had been entrusted to people who have studied, trained, and risked their lives for years—people who need to be paid, outfitted, and managed!

Really, if the crowd on social media had been in charge, it would been just fine.

Not.

Have you noticed that Armchair Expertise seems to be at an all-time high? After I used the phrase “armchair traveler” with my students recently, I did research to find out where it came from [here’s the answer]. That was the same day that my neighbors exploded with “advice” for the fire fighters whose controlled burn, meant to mitigate fire risk in the hills nearby, jumped the lines and was briefly the talk of the neighborhood.

Fortunately, the fire fighters did just fine without my neighbors’ help.

I realize that know-it-all advice from people who can’t be bothered to get up and actually help probably started with the cavemen….

You know, Ogg, if you’d used a flint-tipped arrow instead of that spear, you might have brought home more meat for me.

…but lately, it’s become a reflex, enabled by the media people consume and fueled by the ease of social media.

It all started with reality

Reality TV, that is. I truly believe that the rise of Reality TV in the 90s is at the root of a lot of our recent cultural changes. Personally, I never watched it. But I did notice a change in how people seemed to perceive their role in events that didn’t concern them.

Before Reality TV, people tended to get a view of events that excluded them. When you watched the evening TV news, you didn’t expect that your opinion would be addressed. And when you watched a fictional storyline unfold, you had no sense that you, an everyday person, were in there. It was fiction, created for entertainment. News was information, created to inform you.

Reality TV, along with 24-hour cable news, did away with that separation. We were supposed to believe that the Survivors really were fighting for their lives, and that we really could be one of them. We were led to believe that our opinions about the news were of equal importance to the news itself.

Then reality went social

It got worse with the arrival of social media. Suddenly, you didn’t have to take out a piece of paper and write, find a stamp and send, when you wanted to express your opinion. You didn’t actually have to show up at your school board meeting. You didn’t even have to face your real, live neighbors when you could just pretend to be a neighbor on NextDoor.

There was a lot of pushback in the past about the “gatekeepers” who were controlling the media and not allowing real voices in. These days, it feels like we could use a few gatekeepers!

The result: a lack of respect for expertise

Armchair everythings abound in our society. Armchair epidemiologists argue with the people who actually went to school and actually learned how to read data. Armchair legislators hate everything their government does but can’t be bothered to get to work to make change. Armchair psychologists can tell you exactly what’s wrong with you, but apparently haven’t learned the phrase, “physician, heal thyself.”

In many cases, this false expertise is pretty harmless. Yeah, it’s really annoying to hear your buddy who never held a movie camera critiquing a cinematographer’s camera angles, but the only person who looks bad is him.

But it really makes me sad to watch a group of people criticize the fire fighters who are out there—right that moment—busting their asses to protect the people criticizing them. The fire fighters did, indeed, let a controlled burn slip its bounds. “But remember,” I felt like yelling into my computer, “they were doing that burn at risk to their own lives to save your miserable hide!”

And I don’t even want to go into the public vitriol that has led a record number of public health employees to leave their jobs.

Armchairs are for sitting

I don’t think that being the citizen of a democracy should be a spectator sport. Of course, if it turns out that there was negligence on the part of a public employee, that should be exposed. Our democracy secures checks and balances and a free press for just that reason.

But this armchair criticism of every single action of our skilled public employees is doing no favors to our democracy. So many people can’t be bothered to take part in our public discourse without constantly trying to undermine others, as if they think they are contestants on Survivor, hoping to be the last one on the island.

All alone.

With no one else there to put out their fires.

‘First world problems’ are everyone’s problems

Posted on October 11, 2021October 11, 2021 by Suki

We recently had a series of disasters at our house, from rats eating our plumbing to a solar flare knocking out our Internet. Inevitably, while we were navigating the maze of construction-during-Covid, someone used the phrase “first world problems” to remind me that not having plumbing in our kitchen isn’t the worst problem to have.

I understand the phrase and I get its point: I know that my life is easy compared to the lives of many humans on this planet. I try to be conscious of the gifts I was given as an accident of my birth. Our family tries to live economically, pollute as little as possible, support others, and give money to good causes.

But that doesn’t mean that I like that phrase, because frankly, it misses the point.

Orchids and dandelions

One piece of psychology research that particularly fascinates me explores a phenomenon that every one of us has experienced: given the same privileges and the same challenges, no two people react the same way.

You’ve seen it if you have siblings: despite sharing the same genetics and environment, you responded differently under the same circumstances.

Given the same challenge, one person will feel energized and move forward, while another will fold. Given the same bad event, one person will cheerfully continue, while another will fall into despair. The size and magnitude of the challenge is not important. There are happy people living in abject poverty and miserable people living in comfort.

This phenomenon has been named “Orchids and Dandelions,” referencing the sensitivity of the former and the hardiness of the latter. It turns out that what you notice in your siblings is true: given the same challenges, people do not respond in the same way.

Relative despair does not translate

So which is worse, the opiate epidemic of the 2000s or the crack epidemic of the 1980s? Are you willing to make that judgment?

I’m not. The crack epidemic was concentrated in (though not confined to) inner city Black neighborhoods. The opiate epidemic is concentrated in (though not confined to) white suburban and rural populations. Whose relative despair was greater? Does it matter?

I believe that it doesn’t. Each human experiences their own life within the confines of time and space. We can know that others are suffering more in some relative way, but that doesn’t necessarily mitigate our own suffering. In fact, the most miserable people living comfortable lives in the US may in fact be more miserable contemplating the misery of the poor of Bangladesh.

Relative despair is simply not meaningful.

First world problems are human problems

When someone replies to your expression of despair with the phrase “first world problems,” they are dismissing you. They are saying that your despair is not valid, that by expressing your despair, you are insulting the millions who suffer greater physical distress than you do.

It’s truly an offensive phrase. And I say that even from the perspective of someone who does not suffer when being on the receiving end of it.

I know that I largely fall on the dandelion end of the spectrum. I did not suffer greatly from having to wash dishes in the bathroom sink, and in fact, although I swore some and expressed my annoyance at times, I largely did take a “look on the bright side” view of it.

But I also know people for whom the series of minor, first-world disasters that we’ve lived through in the last month would have been emotionally devastating. And their despair would not be relative. It’s despair, and despair sucks.

Compassion comes first, no matter what “world” you’re in

No matter how we move through this world, we have to keep compassion as the tool that we use to navigate amongst our fellow humans. And I say this as someone who has to work hard at compassion. I get angry thinking about the way some people bring on their own problems. I get annoyed at orchids I know who seem to melt at the first rays of sunshine that hit them. I know I’m not an exemplar of the advice that I’m doling out here.

But when I hear someone slight my little despairs, I think of the people for whom such a slight really would be hurtful. I know that despair over a kitchen sink is not the same as despair that you can’t feed your child or escape a war zone. But it’s despair, and despair is real.

‘First world problems’ is a nasty little phrase used to wound and shame. We can do better than this. We must.

Trust the Transfer

Posted on October 6, 2021October 11, 2021 by Suki

“This was not my idea. I don’t want to be here.”

In my goal-setting course and in my book Homeschool with Confidence, I walk teens through the process of setting and achieving goals. And each semester, I ask the students to tell me whose idea it was for them to be there.

Since 2016, only one student has ever answered, “mine!”

Goal-setting sounds…bo-o-o-o-o-oring!

That’s the first hurdle I have to get over with teens, and I do it by keeping in mind the educational property of transfer. According to whoever wrote this web page for Yale, “‘Transfer’ is a cognitive practice whereby a learner’s mastery of knowledge or skills in one context enables them to apply that knowledge or skill in a different context.”

It’s an easy concept: a piano student practices scales and arpeggios not because they’re pretty music, but because playing them builds skills that they will apply when actually playing music.

But scales are… bo-o-o-o-o-oring! And many a piano student has quit in frustration when their teacher emphasizes scales too early.

So…start with enjoyment

I start by asking students what they like to do. Some of them respond with academic pursuits, some respond with so-called “extracurricular” activities, and many respond with…you guessed it…playing video games!

But no matter what their response, that’s where we start to build their goal-setting skills. Students are passionate about their passions! And yes, some students have passions that align well with their parents’ expectations. But many teens’ passions seem unimportant, or worse, a waste of time to their parents.

Build on passions

In my course, no pastime is a waste of time. If the only thing a kid can tell me really lights up their world is a videogame, well, that’s where we start. And I say this as someone who has played Minecraft once. (Short version: I started to walk, fell into a hole. Painstakingly climbed out of the hole, turned around, and fell back in. Went off to make dinner while my kids continued to play.)

It’s important not to judge any other person’s passion if you want to reach them, and in any case, the relative “value” of their passion is not important. I’ve had students whose initial goals were built on gaming, coding, photography, cleaning out a basement storage room, doing push-ups, and planning a D&D campaign. Their success at goal-setting had no relationship to any value that their parents or I ascribed to their goal—but their success was intrinsically tied to the value that they ascribed to their goal.

Focus on positive success

The human brain likes to succeed. Once we experience that feeling, we seek it out. If the only thing a kid ever succeeds at is getting attention for hitting another kid, that’s what they’ll seek out. If the only success a teen ever feels is hiding their gaming from their parents, that’s what they’ll seek out. Shaming our kids will always backfire, because shaming excites our brains and gives us a backwards sense of success by focusing attention on a negative attribute.

Sure, we don’t want our kid to be a bully or a 30-year-old living in their parents’ basement playing games all day. But the way we get the result we want is to set them up for success that feels just as good—or preferably better—than the negative attention that sends them in the wrong direction.

Step into their world

The way to get buy-in with goal-setting is to turn around and step into your teen’s world. What is important to them? What do they want to happen in the short-term? (Please don’t ask them what they want to be doing when they’re 30—they don’t even believe in 30 yet!)

Express your own enthusiasm and support of a goal, no matter how small. That kid who came into my class and made a goal of organizing a room in his basement initially did it to make a little space for himself. But how surprised was he when his dad came in and joined him in the effort? By the end of our 8-week course, they had created a new work space in their basement and were planning projects to do together.

Trust the transfer

This is the hard part: You have to trust that as your child matures, they will automatically do a transfer of skills. Goal-setting is a skill that can be practiced using any activity, no matter how small. Once they need it, they will have the skill to apply to more “important” pursuits.

The parent of the student who was designing D&D campaigns told me that the student was “totally disorganized and couldn’t plan anything.” Well… I beg to differ. Each week, the student would upload snapshots of all the work they’d done, and it was impressive. Sure, it was “just Dungeons & Dragons,” but they were developing pretty awesome organizational skills. At the time, they didn’t yet value academics in the same way, but once they did, they’d be ready.

The student who only wanted to code every day and all day is a great example. They realized that in order to get into the college they wanted, they’d have to focus on academics, and so they applied their problem-solving skills to academics without a hitch—but only once they valued college as a goal.

We’re all works in progress

We parents spend a lot of time telling kids what to do, but how much time do we spend telling kids little tidbits about who we are, what we want, and how hard it is to get through a day knowing we haven’t yet reached our own goals? I’m not advocating bo-o-o-o-o-oring your kids with unnecessary details, but just a little bit of, “Wow, I’m really excited I finished that project” or “I think I bit off more than I could chew—any advice?” can let kids know that you’re still a work in progress, too.

Our teens may look “all grown up,” but they are works in progress, and with support and encouragement, they will be able to reach their goals.

Fear of saying anything at all

Posted on August 31, 2021August 31, 2021 by Suki

As an interviewer, I have noticed what seems to be a growing trend. Perhaps it’s not a new trend, but it has been standing out more and more starkly in interviews. I’ll attempt to get my interviewee to something, anything quotable, yet they keep falling back into vagueness, empty jargon, and platitudes.

I’ve been pondering why this is, and then an interview subject gave me a clue. This person had just made a vague statement about ways their program had been successful. So I asked, “Can you give us an example of one particular success?”

Now, let me press the pause button here and tell you something that anyone who leads others knows: People do not notice or remember generalities. They notice and remember specifics. If you want people to think about global climate change, for example, don’t list off a bunch of generalities about the terrible things that might happen. Talk about the hurricane that just destroyed their neighbor’s home.

So that’s what I was doing: asking someone who should know how to talk to people a pretty straightforward question. Their answer?

“I don’t want to leave anyone out.”

The FOMO effect

Much has been made of the Fear Of Missing Out effect created by social media. Your friends post charming photos of their vacation, and you wonder whether your little roadtrip measures up. Or people you know post raves about an event they went to and you wonder why they didn’t invite you.

I think this trend toward vague language starts here, with the sense that if you celebrate any one particular thing, you’re denigrating something else. This of course is completely untrue and ridiculous when you think about it. Does your 60th birthday party mean that someone who’s 58 is not as good? Does your job promotion, your kid’s award, or your friend’s rad haircut mean that everyone else who has not achieved those things should be ashamed?

Don’t look too close at the FOMO effect or you might start fearing that we’ve all gone completely insane.

Inclusion should not lead to fear

But there’s more to this growing vagueness of speech than just fear of leaving someone out. I believe this fear is based on the very real and very valid wish to be inclusive. As everyone in our country becomes more aware of how groups of people have been systematically and systemically excluded from the pursuit of happiness and security that we are supposed to have access to, we are reacting in a variety of ways.

Some people are reacting by shutting down, digging in, and sticking their fingers in their ears. I wish they were also saying, “la la la” but the things they are actually saying are so offensive I won’t contribute to their strength by addressing it here.

Looking at the rest of us, we are reacting to the growing understanding of exclusion by working to be more inclusive—and that’s the right thing to do. Every organization I am involved with is working to be more to be more inclusive and more thoughtful about how their activities are structured.

This is all good, but it’s also leading—I believe—to fearful behavior that we need to resist

The fear of leaving out

I include myself in this, so please don’t think I’m pointing fingers. I think this is a cultural trend, not an individual failing. I believe that as people are working harder and harder to make statements that are exclusive, they are moving further and further toward language that says nothing at all.

It goes something like this:

I want to make a statement about something important
Wait, what if my experience shows that I’m benefiting from some sort of privilege?
Oh, no, what if when I talk about my experience, I leave out someone who has been left out before?
OK, let’s see, I need to first apologize that I can’t experience this in a way that includes everyone
Then I need to remove any specific references to my experience
Then I need to make sure it’s inclusive of every possible person and circumstance
Phew! Now I’m ready to…issue vague pronouncements on nothing in particular.

Result: mealy mouths

In case you missed it: “mealy mouthed: afraid to speak frankly or straightforwardly.”

That’s us. That’s all of us who are reacting to our desire to be inclusive by including…no one and nothing. I’d love to offer a solution here, but right now, I’m at a loss. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. I’m the person who obsesses about every little thing I said at a gathering, wondering who I insulted, what I did wrong, who I left out, whether I wore a face that looked friendly.

Really, it can be noisy in here.

But I guess all I’m saying is that this problem—like many problems—will partly be solved just by acknowledging it. We can’t react to wanting to be inclusive in a fearful way. If we do say something exclusive, apologize and move on. I realize this seems hard in our cancel culture, but it’s a time-honored tradition. Humans screw up, then we move on. So if it’s advice you seek, I guess that’s it:

Speak your mind, then if you need to, apologize and move on.

But please, spit out the meal in your mouth and get to the point!

Category: Psychology