Dealing with feelings

KidsLearn with Prof. Suki

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Have you noticed that people around you are having some BIG feelings these days? Have you been having some yourself?

Here’s the first and most important thing I want to say about feelings: Feelings—even uncomfortable ones—are good. Feelings are part of being human and part of how we humans learn. Feelings can feel fabulous or they can feel awful, but they are all natural and not something you should try to avoid.

But there’s another side to feelings: Sometimes feelings, especially negative ones but also great ones, can urge you to do things that probably aren’t the best option. That’s especially true when you’re having negative feelings like anger, shame, anxiety, or fear.

Anger, shame, anxiety, and fear—oh, no!

I’m not going to go into these bad feelings in depth here, so I want to urge you, if you’re having really bad feelings, to get some help. Talk to a trusted adult, or if you just need to understand more about feelings, scroll down to find recommended reading and videos.

The thing about negative feelings is that they can be very powerful. You’ve probably noticed that when family members are having negative feelings they can sometimes be pretty annoying, even sometimes a little scary. That’s because negative feelings seem to take on a life of their own:

They make us do things we wouldn’t normally do
They make us say things we wouldn’t normally say
They take over so much that when we’re in the middle of them, sometimes we don’t even know it

Maybe you’re thinking that if negative feelings are so bad, we should just try to swallow them. But you can’t digest negative feelings like your least favorite vegetable. If you keep them inside you, they can turn into something bigger and more hurtful. So you have to do something with them, but what you do is up to you and the situation.

First, take ownership of your feelings

What does that mean? Well, your feelings are yours. You may be having feelings because of something your sibling or parent did or said, but your feelings, and how you express them, are yours. Once you take ownership of them, you’ll have more control over them.

Once you own them, you can also define them. When you’re feeling a really big one, take a moment to think about what it is:

Are you angry that your friend just said something untrue about you?
Are you ashamed because the thing your friend said is actually true and you don’t like it?
Are you anxious because other people heard the thing your friend said and you’re worried they won’t like you?
Are you afraid because your friend’s behavior has actually scared you?

What you do about your feelings depends on what those feelings actually are!

Next, press pause before you react

Big feelings want to shoot out so fast sometimes you don’t have time to think about them. That’s where the danger zone is: when your parent raised their voice at you in a way they don’t usually do, that’s because they let that big voice out before they were able to stop it. It’s natural to do that, but it’s not always the best choice.

People use all sorts of techniques to take time to process bad feelings:

Some people count to 3 slowly
Some people take a long breath in and another one out
Some people have a special word they think of to remind themselves to pause

Choose where to put the feeling

Not all feelings have to be said out loud right away. Especially when you feel hurt by someone, you might need time to think of the right way to express it. That’s OK. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone, “I have to think about that before I answer.” Or if you find you can’t talk, that’s OK, too. English has this all-purpose noise we can make when we don’t want to say anything: “Hmmmmm.”

Once you press pause on that feeling, don’t just stuff it down in there. That’s when bad feelings can turn into big yuckiness. Here are a few ideas for what you can do with them:

Decide that it’s not a fight that’s important for you to fight.
Sometimes this happens: You know your friend or your family member said or did something that wasn’t quite right, but it’s not big enough to make an issue of.
Decide that it’s a fight you need help with.
If you’re facing a new situation and aren’t sure how to deal with it, talk to a trusted adult or a friend you think of as a person who is thoughtful about their actions. Sometimes just talking it out is enough.
Express it out loud or in art.
Creative expression is a great way to put bad feelings to a positive purpose. Write a song! Draw a picture! Write a story!

When it’s really worth the trouble of resolving

If you continue to feel bad no matter what you do, it’s time to figure out how to work with the person you have a conflict with. Again, it can often be helpful to find someone else to help you. Before you talk to the person who hurt you, make sure to think about using “I statements.” Here’s a simple guide:

You statement that will make the situation worse: “You were so MEAN to me! You need to apologize!”

I statement that opens the discussion up: “Remember when the other day you yelled at me and said I was stupid? I felt really bad about that and I hoped we could talk about it.”

Good luck dealing with your feelings!

There’s one last thing I want you to know: If dealing with feelings is a challenge for you, you’re not alone. I’m with you!