The last time I wrote about helicopter parenting was 2009. At that point, my kids were 10 and 6, a prime age when our culture is telling us to fear “stranger danger” and other harm that could come to our kids if we allow them the simple freedoms kids used to have.
And I thought it was bad in those good ol’ days.
The New York Times reports that mothers (though, perhaps predictably, not fathers) are being charged with crimes and referred to Child Protective Services for leaving their children in perfectly safe situations that others deem “unsafe.”
Remember:
All research on childhood independence shows that hovering over children and never allowing them time to be alone is bad for them.
All research on childhood safety shows that “stranger danger” is so far down the list of risks for children (and so unpredictable) that acting to prevent it doesn’t actually prevent it.
Our free-range days
My kids are now 19 and almost 16. I allowed them a “free range childhood.” Amongst the “horrible” things I allowed:
- walking to friends’ houses alone on our street
- walking in the state park near our home alone
- playing with friends on the street or in the park
- riding the bus alone or in pairs
- going into stores alone
- waiting for me in the public library
Amongst the horrible things that have happened to them:
- figuring out how to negotiate with typical adults
- figuring out what to do when they missed a bus
- learning to interact with other children naturally
- learning how to manage money
- and yes, making sure to keep their bodies and emotions safe from predatory humans
I realize that something truly horrible could have happened to them. But something truly horrible is so unusual and so random, it just as likely could have happened when they were with me.
The guilt monster
But I will admit, as the moms in the Times article explain, that guilt was a constant presence in my subconscious and conscious mind when they were out. I remember one time standing at the kitchen sink watching my younger child go out our front gate, having declared that they were going for a walk. I imagined the headlines: “Local parenting writer’s child abducted while walking alone.”
Bad Mommy!
For those of you with younger children now, the only advice is to keep these basic facts in mind. And if anyone questions you, please feel free to quote me:
- Choose your partner well, and the danger of physical violence against your child by an adult will be negligible
- Instead of worrying about stranger danger, get your baby vaccinated for diseases which they are more likely to die of
- Feed your child healthy food, including dairy without hormones, vegetables without excessive pesticides, and meat without unnecessary antibiotics
- Buy a safe car, and drive safely, and don’t look at your phone while driving
- Teach them safety skills, then…
- Set them free.
I can’t tell you how to avoid the guilt. That is a battle each one of us has to wage on her own.
