On my morning walk, it occurred to me to think about why we tell kids not to lie. I can’t imagine why this subject occurred to me!
Obviously, none of us wants our kid to be a liar. Imagine: If being a liar weren’t that big a deal, we’d be a lier. But we’ve even got a special spelling for it.
So what’s the big deal? Why not tell a fib every once in a while? Before I was a parent, I didn’t really give this much thought. But having watched two kids and countless students in action, I’ve come up with a few answers.
1. If you tell a lie you have to perpetuate a lie
So telling a lie is pretty easy, right? Your mom asks, “Did you break this plate?” and you say, “no.” End of lie. End of situation. However, lies require more effort than that. Although some lies happen and then sink back into oblivion, most lies take on a life of their own. Once you tell it, you have to prop it up. Lies don’t have their own legs. They don’t fend for themselves.
“It’s true that I had lunch on that plate, however….um…then my sister decided to play frisbee with the plate and it broke.”
2. Lies almost always start pulling in other people.
So you think your lie is just a little pale thing that’s going to fall on the ground and be quiet, but then it starts to peep. Lies need attention; they want to be fed. In order to keep your lie fed, you need to draw in your sister, your friend, (your lawyer), your other parent, or perhaps your dog.
“And then Fido came in and you know how he likes to play frisbee…”
3. Lies beget other lies.
Your little pale thing not only doesn’t fall on the ground and lie quietly. It starts to make other lies. You need to make up an alibi, so it turns out you were in the bathroom. You’ve had terrible diarrhea.
“Oh, no! Maybe I should call the doctor…”
And you start piling lies on top of that lie in order to subdue it.
4. Lies start to define you.
In order to perpetuate your original lie, you have feed your ill-begotten lies and soon you find yourself being Someone Who Lies. You may even convince yourself that you’re not lying. (Even adults do this. Even adults who may be seen as successful and may even reach the pinnacles of their professions.)
5. You can’t find happiness in lies.
You find yourself confessing. Maybe you or someone you’re involved with has been charged with a crime, and there’s this inexplicable relief in confessing the lie. Lies weigh a lot more than the truth. The truth is light and almost transparent. When you tell it, sometimes bad things happen. But you didn’t create the bad things. Lies, however, are this deep, dark, complex thing that you made, and they create their own darkness. They weigh you down. Someone offers you the lightness of truth, and…
6. Lies almost always get found out, one way or another.
You think you’ve “gotten away with something,” but the truth is that lies don’t let you get away. They tether you to the situation you originally tried to avoid so that you can’t move forward. Having chosen not to embrace the light and buoyancy of the truth, you are pulled down, down, down by the weight you’ve chosen to bear. You thought you were choosing freedom, but
Lies make you less free. They tie you down to an untruth that you have to continue to justify.
It’s true: we all lie sometimes. Sometimes a little lie makes a situation move on when really, it just has to move on. Sometimes a little lie is exactly what’s needed to finesse a situation.
But in general, truth really is the best policy. Facing our mistakes and our shortcomings makes us better people. It helps the people around us trust us and then they are more willing to expose their own mistakes and shortcomings. In other words,
when we lie less, other people around us lie less.
Being a parent is hard, but sometimes it’s the gift we need. I have the utmost respect for people who choose not to have children, but I wonder how they learn these lessons. I don’t know about you, but parenting has made me a much better person. I understand lying like I never did before.
I understand why lying doesn’t work
and I understand how to suss out a liar.
Given how many adults are parents, it makes me wonder why they can’t suss out a liar, too. I fear for their children.
