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6 Takeaways from Research on Teen Brain Development

Posted on by Suki

Not every parent is the brain research junkie I am, so I thought I’d sum up some important findings from current research into teen brains. It turns out that everything your parents thought they knew about your teen brain was probably wrong. Such is the way of science that some of the information below will be wrong soon, too, but science is making progress on understanding what sort of beast we’re dealing with once the hormones hit.

In short summary:

  1. The teen brain is changing rapidly
  2. Decision-making abilities are not fully formed
  3. Social connections matter more, for better and for worse
  4. What teens put in their bodies can have a permanent effect on development
  5. Teens need sleep!
  6. Teens need adults

In longer form:

The teen brain is changing rapidly

It used to be thought that teens were pretty much done being formed and it was All Their Fault when they didn’t make good decisions. More recent research throws that idea into the garbage bin of history. Teen brains are going through huge changes, and are significantly different from adult brains well into their twenties. Where childhood was a time of forward growth and learning, the teen years are a confusing time of reorganization, throwing stuff out, and trying out new, incompletely formed abilities…

Decision-making abilities are not fully formed

…Such as decision-making. Remember when your child was two and said, “I can do it for mySELF!”? Now your teens really can do it for themselves, sorta. They have big capable bodies, adult-size sentences come out of their mouths, and many have suddenly developed a very advanced case of strong-opinion-itis.

The thing is, their brains don’t work like adult brains yet. The much-prized pre-frontal cortex of the adult human is still developing and underused. Teens tend to base their decisions on emotion, which is why they seem to change their decisions daily, hourly, and sometimes within the same sentence. When teens do make well-thought-out decisions, it’s hard work for them, much harder than for adults.

We adults have the unenviable task of supporting them in their decision-making and watching as they make bad decisions. We have to let them make bad decisions and watch them fail. And hardest of all, we have to figure out when it’s time to step in and be the “bad guy” because a decision is too disastrous to let go.

Social connections matter more, for better and for worse

I notice that articles for parents are almost always about the negative effect of teens’ need for social connections and confirmation, but really, this is largely a good thing. We want our teens to learn to be part of a social group that requires them to control their own impulses and make decisions about group participation. As adults, they will no doubt have to stand in line at the DMV, and these skills will come in handy.

We parents can support the good side of this need for social acceptance. One wise mom told me that she made sure that her house was always stocked with snacks and she was available to give rides…that way she knew what sort of trouble her kid was getting into. Another wise mom made sure to dole out hugs to all the teens that came to her house, making it clear to them that she trusted them and understood their need for social connections.

What teens put in their bodies can have a permanent effect on development

I am in no way an anti-drug crusader, but the research I’ve read should definitely give us all pause. Vaping, for example, seems relatively innocuous. But it turns out that kids who vape on a regular basis essentially turn themselves into permanent addicts. Their brains adapt to the nicotine and show permanent changes. And kids may play around with smoking weed (especially now that it’s legal in so many places), but heavy use results in irreparable changes to teens’ brain functions. This all goes for prescription drugs as well, so the early teen years are a good time to reassess. Educate yourselves, and your teens, about health, nutrition, and brain development.

Teens need sleep!

Another way of saying this is: Teens aren’t lazy! (Well, not necessarily.) They need more sleep than most of them are able to get. I highly recommend weekly planning meetings with your teens, and one of the topics can be “how are you going to get enough sleep this week?”

Teens need adults

You may be reading this still shaking from yet another interaction where your teen treated you as something lower than the dirt they were walking on. Your teen may ignore you, may make fun of you, may criticize your “mom jeans,” and may infuse all family activities with Attitude. However, your teen needs you, and this is not the time to write them off. Although helicoptering isn’t the answer, checking out isn’t, either.

No matter what, remember that when your teen looks back from adulthood, they are going to remember that you were always there supporting them. They are going to remember the advice you gave them. They not only will probably forgive you for most everything they blame you for now; they will probably also appreciate how right you were in some instances.

So we parents just have to power through this. We have to know that we are important and feel confident that we are doing our best to support our teen’s developing brain and body. Though you may feel that you’re getting performance reports from a boss who hates your work on principle, it’s a job we have to continue to do with love and confidence.

Resources:

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Posted on by Suki

On my morning walk, it occurred to me to think about why we tell kids not to lie. I can’t imagine why this subject occurred to me!

Obviously, none of us wants our kid to be a liar. Imagine: If being a liar weren’t that big a deal, we’d be a lier. But we’ve even got a special spelling for it.

So what’s the big deal? Why not tell a fib every once in a while? Before I was a parent, I didn’t really give this much thought. But having watched two kids and countless students in action, I’ve come up with a few answers.

1. If you tell a lie you have to perpetuate a lie

So telling a lie is pretty easy, right? Your mom asks, “Did you break this plate?” and you say, “no.” End of lie. End of situation. However, lies require more effort than that. Although some lies happen and then sink back into oblivion, most lies take on a life of their own. Once you tell it, you have to prop it up. Lies don’t have their own legs. They don’t fend for themselves.

“It’s true that I had lunch on that plate, however….um…then my sister decided to play frisbee with the plate and it broke.”

2. Lies almost always start pulling in other people.

So you think your lie is just a little pale thing that’s going to fall on the ground and be quiet, but then it starts to peep. Lies need attention; they want to be fed. In order to keep your lie fed, you need to draw in your sister, your friend, (your lawyer), your other parent, or perhaps your dog.

“And then Fido came in and you know how he likes to play frisbee…”

3. Lies beget other lies.

Your little pale thing not only doesn’t fall on the ground and lie quietly. It starts to make other lies. You need to make up an alibi, so it turns out you were in the bathroom. You’ve had terrible diarrhea.

“Oh, no! Maybe I should call the doctor…”

And you start piling lies on top of that lie in order to subdue it.

4. Lies start to define you.

In order to perpetuate your original lie, you have feed your ill-begotten lies and soon you find yourself being Someone Who Lies. You may even convince yourself that you’re not lying. (Even adults do this. Even adults who may be seen as successful and may even reach the pinnacles of their professions.)

5. You can’t find happiness in lies.

You find yourself confessing. Maybe you or someone you’re involved with has been charged with a crime, and there’s this inexplicable relief in confessing the lie. Lies weigh a lot more than the truth. The truth is light and almost transparent. When you tell it, sometimes bad things happen. But you didn’t create the bad things. Lies, however, are this deep, dark, complex thing that you made, and they create their own darkness. They weigh you down. Someone offers you the lightness of truth, and…

6. Lies almost always get found out, one way or another.

You think you’ve “gotten away with something,” but the truth is that lies don’t let you get away. They tether you to the situation you originally tried to avoid so that you can’t move forward. Having chosen not to embrace the light and buoyancy of the truth, you are pulled down, down, down by the weight you’ve chosen to bear. You thought you were choosing freedom, but

Lies make you less free. They tie you down to an untruth that you have to continue to justify.

It’s true: we all lie sometimes. Sometimes a little lie makes a situation move on when really, it just has to move on. Sometimes a little lie is exactly what’s needed to finesse a situation.

But in general, truth really is the best policy. Facing our mistakes and our shortcomings makes us better people. It helps the people around us trust us and then they are more willing to expose their own mistakes and shortcomings. In other words,

when we lie less, other people around us lie less.

Being a parent is hard, but sometimes it’s the gift we need. I have the utmost respect for people who choose not to have children, but I wonder how they learn these lessons. I don’t know about you, but parenting has made me a much better person. I understand lying like I never did before.

I understand why lying doesn’t work

and I understand how to suss out a liar.

Given how many adults are parents, it makes me wonder why they can’t suss out a liar, too. I fear for their children.

On the other side of the free range

Posted on by Suki

The last time I wrote about helicopter parenting was 2009. At that point, my kids were 10 and 6, a prime age when our culture is telling us to fear “stranger danger” and other harm that could come to our kids if we allow them the simple freedoms kids used to have.

Click on this handy chart from the CDC to find out the risks to your child’s life. Please notice that “stranger danger” doesn’t make the grade, as far as the CDC is concerned, of things you should worry about.

And I thought it was bad in those good ol’ days.

The New York Times reports that mothers (though, perhaps predictably, not fathers) are being charged with crimes and referred to Child Protective Services for leaving their children in perfectly safe situations that others deem “unsafe.”

Remember:

All research on childhood independence shows that hovering over children and never allowing them time to be alone is bad for them.

All research on childhood safety shows that “stranger danger” is so far down the list of risks for children (and so unpredictable) that acting to prevent it doesn’t actually prevent it.

Our free-range days

My kids are now 19 and almost 16. I allowed them a “free range childhood.” Amongst the “horrible” things I allowed:

  • walking to friends’ houses alone on our street
  • walking in the state park near our home alone
  • playing with friends on the street or in the park
  • riding the bus alone or in pairs
  • going into stores alone
  • waiting for me in the public library
My children loved to go on walks on our street. Shockingly, I allowed them to do it….though I did wish they would wear shoes!

Amongst the horrible things that have happened to them:

  • figuring out how to negotiate with typical adults
  • figuring out what to do when they missed a bus
  • learning to interact with other children naturally
  • learning how to manage money
  • and yes, making sure to keep their bodies and emotions safe from predatory humans

I realize that something truly horrible could have happened to them. But something truly horrible is so unusual and so random, it just as likely could have happened when they were with me.

The guilt monster

But I will admit, as the moms in the Times article explain, that guilt was a constant presence in my subconscious and conscious mind when they were out. I remember one time standing at the kitchen sink watching my younger child go out our front gate, having declared that they were going for a walk. I imagined the headlines: “Local parenting writer’s child abducted while walking alone.”

Bad Mommy!

For those of you with younger children now, the only advice is to keep these basic facts in mind. And if anyone questions you, please feel free to quote me:

  1. Choose your partner well, and the danger of physical violence against your child by an adult will be negligible
  2. Instead of worrying about stranger danger, get your baby vaccinated for diseases which they are more likely to die of
  3. Feed your child healthy food, including dairy without hormones, vegetables without excessive pesticides, and meat without unnecessary antibiotics
  4. Buy a safe car, and drive safely, and don’t look at your phone while driving
  5. Teach them safety skills, then…
  6. Set them free.

I can’t tell you how to avoid the guilt. That is a battle each one of us has to wage on her own.

Parent workshop: Concentration Time!

Posted on by Suki

“Hello, parents!

Today we are going to start with a concept you may have forgotten from your earlier lives. It’s called concentration.

Can you repeat after me? Con-cen-tra-tion.

The sage on the stage! Listen to me!

This is the action you need to perform in order to achieve focus. Focus is another thing you may have forgotten about. When you were younger, you could focus for hours. Now, each time you wander into a state that approaches focus, someone small starts screaming, asks you to take them out for ice cream, or draws on the walls with permanent marker.

Oh, you remember? Only vaguely? Well, that’s good enough.

OK, so let’s start. Here’s how we achieve concentration.

First, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. No, Mina, do not check your Smartwatch™. Howard, are you breathing shallowly? Wait, you’re hyperventilating? Here’s a paper bag. Don’t mind the peanut butter smears. I hope you’re not allergic.

Back to concentration. When we concentrate, we focus on the task at hand and we don’t think about what might be happening in the next room. Even though we hear a sound that resembles the sound of a rock hitting the Steinway passed down to us by our grandmother, we look carefully at our computer screen at the text that is in front of us. We are going to achieve concentration and actually read and absorb this text.

What’s that, Jen? You say you haven’t actually read your way through an entire screen of text since the day you were reading Proust on your iPad and you went into labor? Proust….hm….I have a vague memory of what that is. I don’t think it involves children, though, so my brain seems to have erased it.

Never fear, you will forget many, many more things in your lifetime than you will remember! You will become at peace with that. However, right now, we must concentrate.

This block of text on the website in front of you describes a class you are considering for your oldest child. It contains the answers to every question ever asked by every parent, which is why it is so long and detailed. Parents ask a lot of questions.

Now, please focus and read the page. Then we will discuss and see how much of the information you have retained and understood.

No, Mina, you may not step out to call your ten-year-old. What were you thinking, leaving a ten-year-old in charge of your six-year-old ADHD ODD OCD twins? Didn’t you imagine the headline, “Mom Takes Care of Own Needs and Tragedy Strikes Household”? How are you ever going to be nominated for Homemaker of the Year if you run about taking care of yourself?

Put your head between your knees, Howard. It will be fine.

Yes, Carol? The text on the screen is blurry? You haven’t seen an ophthalmologist since you were twenty-two? Perhaps you are becoming far-sighted. I’d lend you my reading glasses but I believe my six-year-old borrowed them to start fires in the front yard.

OK, everyone, I notice that you are whispering amongst yourselves rather than concentrating. Remember, repeat after me: Con-cen-tra-tion. It’s what we are here to do. I not only teach your children; I also model perfect parenting and adult life for you. You see, I have four children and here I am, dressed impeccably, my hair done, wearing makeup, and projecting a calm, cool demeanor.

You would never know that I was late getting out of the house this morning because my child and my cat were both projectile vomiting on the carpet. You would never know that my husband told me last night that I seem like a stranger to him, and I responded by asking him if he could work at home in the morning because the plumber was coming to fix the dishwasher that had exploded and ruined the kitchen floor and I have to run children to four different appointments at the same time. I also asked him which model of dishwasher he thought was best, because I hadn’t bought one in the last month because I was torn between the one that saves more water and the one that uses less electricity. You would never know that our dishwasher was broken because in order to compensate I used only disposable dishware and then because I felt guilty about making so much garbage, I have been sneaking out nightly at 2 a.m. to put them in my neighbor’s can. Which reminds me that I really enjoying accompanying my second-grader on the tour of our local recycling facility. I set an alarm on my Smartwatch™ for 2 a.m. every night, on buzz so it doesn’t wake up my husband. Did I tell you that I used to teach at a university? Did you know that I used to remember all the important dates in American and British history? You know, I wonder whether my husband paid the babysitter when he got home. I hope he got home. The babysitter needs to get to her doctor’s appointment on time. I worry about her. She’s got so much going on in her life, I wonder how she can handle it. Last night I did a bunch of research for her on migraines. Did you know that—

What’s that, Mina? Your house is on fire? But wait, did you read the page? I still need to ask you the questions! I have them all written down! I spent two hours last night when everyone else was sleeping working on this presentation, and goddammit, I want you all to do what you’re supposed to do. Someone in my life needs to do what she’s supposed to do, and it’s not going to be me! Read that page and concentrate now. It’s my way or the highway, folks. You’ll never learn to concentrate if you don’t just Do What I Say…

…Where did Howard go? Oh, you all have to go so soon? Really we were just getting started.

Oh, OK, bye Carol. Thanks for coming.”

Parents these days. I just don’t understand what’s wrong with them. If only they’d listen to me, I’d show them the way….

A place to focus on success: Explore MCP

Posted on by Suki

I don’t usually write in my blog what might seem like a promotional piece for a particular business, but in this case, I am moved to let the community know more about an endangered resource: Explore MCP. When I tell people about the school, they often respond, “Explore what?” And then I have to figure out how to answer succinctly when the answer I want to give would take hours.

Here is my succinct answer: “It’s a tiny private school in Scotts Valley that serves the needs of unusual learners.”

But that leaves out so much! The school describes itself as serving ‘students who learn differently,’ then continues by explaining that all children learn differently. So much for succinct. It’s hard for a school with such an unusual mission to explain anything in 20 words or fewer.

The last resort

MCP gets kids out and about in the community.

The long answer starts with a long list of children, one of mine included, who entered MCP as a last resort. These kids largely came from public schools, but some also from homeschooling and private schools. These kids had usually been subjected to years of testing, educational specialists, interventions, special classrooms, new schools, medical specialists, and therapists (not to mention the occasional legal team). And almost all of them find MCP when all other educational options seem to be exhausted.

“The goal at MCP is to develop each student’s potential by embracing different ways of learning and exploring different ways of being intelligent.”

Then, it seems, almost always the students and parents have the same response: Why didn’t we try MCP first?

Focus on success

MCP does something that I have long advocated to homeschoolers: they focus on success. Instead of asking, “what is wrong with this child?” they ascertain what is right, what works. Then they proceed to do more of it. It sounds logical, but this isn’t the way that other schools have worked for MCP students.

These students are unusual: MCP doesn’t serve the needs of typically developing students (though I have to say, I think all children would get a better education through MCP’s approach) or severely impaired students who are better-served by the public schools. MCP students are different from the norm but also different from each other. MCP serves kids with learning differences, physical disabilities, high-functioning autism, gender dysphoria, depression, and more—but who are learning at or above grade level. It’s quite a challenge, and yet the tiny, close-knit staff works like a team of Cirque du Soleil acrobats, keeping the delicate balance of running a school while also serving the individual needs of such a diverse group of kids.

And on top of that, MCP prepares these kids to be college-ready, arming them with skills ranging from how to register online to how to negotiate disagreements with professors.

It comes down to numbers

In the beginning of this piece, I referred to MCP as “endangered.” That’s because it’s in a niche that, so far, no school I’ve heard of has ever survived in longterm. Most kids with special needs go to public school, and many are served well by public schools. But MCP takes on the hard job of educating students whose needs are so specialized that the public schools aren’t able to help. By design, therefore, MCP doesn’t attract the wealthy families who form the core of other private school populations. Parents find MCP through desperation, and do not come from a single demographic. (Some of the students’ tuition is actually paid through public school districts.)

MCP’s staff would like to do just a few things very well:

  • They want to educate the students who fit their mission rather than admitting students who don’t belong at the school just to receive the tuition.
  • They want to be able to serve any student who needs them, regardless of family income.
  • They want to be able to pay their hardworking staff a living wage.
  • They want to stay in our very expensive community.

Those modest goals are nearly impossible for a tiny nonprofit with no deep-pocket donors. The students come from as far as away as Monterey County and Santa Clara County, but they only come when they find out about the school, and outreach to such a tiny percentage of the population is difficult.

What can you do?

“Students benefit from working with neurologically diverse peers because they are able to adopt, and adapt to a wider range of learning styles and problem solving tactics.”

The main thing I hope that my readers will do is spread the word about MCP. Continued healthy enrollment is the top priority. People who should know that MCP exists include:

  • Public school teachers, administrators, and support staff
  • Private school teachers, administrators, and support staff
  • Therapists
  • Tutors
  • Doctors
  • Lawyers (unfortunately)
  • Parents

I would hope that a few families will stumble across this article and think, “This might be the place for our child.”

The other thing, of course, is to support MCP in any way you can, even small donations. I’d love it if this piece ended up on the screen of a wealthy donor who wants to make a difference. I’m not holding my breath on that one, but stranger things have happened. MCP needs operating expenses, which are very hard for small nonprofits to get through grant-writing; a scholarship fund so they can serve any student who walks in the door; and an endowment to carry them through years when unexpected expenses arise.

I describe our experience with Explore MCP as “transformational.” Another mom said to me, “It still surprises me that when there’s a problem, they try to solve it rather than just saying my kid needs to change to fit their agenda.” MCP is not the school for everyone, which is why it’s such a good school for the small number of students it serves. I can only hope that in ten years’ time when a desperate parent finds this blog post, they will be able to click on this link and see Explore MCP still up and running, doing its very important service for its uncommon, wonderful population of students.

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