Category: Parenting

“I Am Jazz” Community Reading

Posted on by Suki

This month Santa Cruz families will come together to read a book at the library. Yes, this happens all the time, but not with this book and this message.

“I am Jazz” was published in 2014, co-written by 14-year-old Jazz Jennings, a transgender activist whose life had been profiled in a television documentary. Although the book deals with Jazz’s life and challenges in a child-appropriate manner, it attracted the attention of anti-LGBTQ groups. After a group succeeded in forcing a Wisconsin school to cancel a reading, the community came together, packing 600 people into the public library for a reading.

Each year since that event, communities have hosted readings to foster awareness and acceptance of transgender children. Awareness of transgender people has increased since then—Jennings is now a popular YouTube personality—but the challenges of being transgender, and parenting a transgender child, have not gone away.

 

A more accepting world

“What I get from the book is how happy Jazz is to be affirmed,” says Michelle Brandt, one of the organizers of the event and the mother of a transgender man who came out at 15. “I see that comfort and joy about being yourself, and not having to hide, to be affirmed and seen.”

Psychologists confirm that affirmation of a child’s gender is the top thing that adults can do to alleviate the common problems exhibited by transgender children, including self-harm and suicidal ideation. Children whose families and communities use their gender of identification and a gender-appropriate name show fewer signs of psychological distress and have overall happier childhood experiences.

Introducing this book to the broader community, organizers say, is a way to create a more accepting world for their children.

“The book is a big deal to our family,” explains a mom of a young trans child. “I read it two years ago when my child was questioning her gender. It was like her coming-out book. It wasn’t until I read the book to her that she said, ‘That’s me, I’m a girl.’ It put language in a kid-friendly way to her lived experience and allowed her to feel comfortable claiming that she was transgender.”

 

A G-rated kids’ book

Brandt is the director of the TransFamily Support Group of Santa Cruz, one of the groups sponsoring the reading. She points out that kids already know their gender—families don’t have to fear taking their kids to this G-rated event about inclusion and acceptance.

“I’d like parents to leave with a broader understanding of gender as a spectrum and more comfort with having gender discussions with their kids,” Brandt explains.

Jamie Joy, Youth Program Coordinator at the Diversity Center of Santa Cruz, another sponsor of the event, also hopes that the event will draw parents from the broader community who don’t necessarily have transgender children.

“Talking about gender with young kids is so important because they are already receiving messages that reinforce harmful stereotypes,” Joy explains. “Books like “I am Jazz” are a great way to connect with kids and help them understand the beauty of diversity. The more we teach our youth about celebrating difference, the less violence and bullying there will be in our community.”

The emphasis at the reading will be on community and fun.

“We’ll talk about gender stereotypes, read family-friendly kids’ books, and do an interactive activity around gender,” Joy explains. “I want the parents to walk away knowing their kids can be who they want to be, or give them a little more freedom to not perpetuate the whole girls-have-to-wear-pink and boys-don’t-cry thing.”

 

Transition in place

The organizers point out that community support is the point of this gathering, and they are grateful for our public library’s willingness to host the event. Community support is of vital importance to trans children. Because of the typical arc of children’s understanding of their gender and parents’ comfort with transitions, most children don’t transition until after they’ve been in school. Without support from the adults around them, the result is often that children’s education gets disrupted.

“It’s more comfortable for kids to transition in place,” Brandt explains. “You’re the same person, and the only reason you’d have to leave your school is if you’re not being affirmed in your gender when you transition.”

Santa Cruz’s self-identity is of a liberal, accepting place, but even here it is common for trans kids to leave their current school environment when they transition due to lack of support by the adults and students around them.

 

Understanding is key

Although it can be uncomfortable for families with transgender or questioning kids to put themselves in the public eye, the event organizers believe that it’s necessary that at least some families ‘come out of the closet.’ The more our community understands the needs of transgender people, the more information and resources will be available.

Michelle Brandt points out that with more information, she would have known that she had a transgender boy when he was four, rather than the ‘tomboy’ she thought she was raising.

“I would have liked to have more information about the gender spectrum,” Brandt says. “I would have liked to have more information about what the options were for transition. You’re not on a path that is so predetermined as you think it is. With enough information, I could have had a conversation with him as a boy instead of ‘Isn’t that sweet, my gender nonconforming girl?’”

Above all, a public reading of “I Am Jazz” should help parents understand that supporting their children is not forcing change. Gender differences are a natural part of the spectrum of humanity, and affirming children’s gender identity will only make our society a safer, healthier place for everyone.

“The Diversity Center hopes to educate and support people of all ages and identities in understanding gender as a spectrum rather than a binary,” Jamie Joy explains. “We do this through community events as well as trainings and presentations. Please reach out to us if you want to learn more!”

 

Details:

National “I Am Jazz” Community Reading

Friday, December 7, 3:30-4:30 pm

Santa Cruz Public Libraries Downtown Branch

Second Floor Meeting Room

 

Resources:

  • Interested in more details about the scientific understanding of gender? Check out our companion article, “Gender is Not a Binary.”
  • The Transfamily Support Group of Santa Cruz has monthly meetings and a website of resources to support the families of transgender youth and adults. Find more information at http://www.transfamiliesca.org/
  • The Diversity Center of Santa Cruz County offers support and information for those on the gender spectrum and their families. Find more information at http://www.diversitycenter.org/
  • The Santa Cruz Public Libraries host a wide variety of community events. Find more information at https://www.santacruzpl.org/

Gifted Kids: The disconnect between input and output

Posted on by Suki

…and what you can do about it

It’s hard to educate a child who is profoundly asynchronous, as many gifted children are. While a young gifted child may have a high school level vocabulary, they may struggle to hold a pencil. And the disconnect becomes even more pronounced as the child grows and seems to become more mature. When a child can read and discuss a history text at a high level, we expect that they should also be able to write an essay at the same level. However, it’s an unusual gifted child of 10 years old that can write a coherent essay; even more unusual for a 10-year-old to want to write a coherent essay.

My students’ parents have been asking me this question for years: How can I accelerate my child’s writing to match their analytical abilities? My answer is a multi-step one. Hopefully this will be helpful both for homeschooling parents who are frustrated with their child’s writing output, and school parents whose children are being held back from accessing classes they seem ready for.

1) A disconnect between input and output is completely normal for gifted kids

For homeschooling families, this can seem like a personal struggle. You may not notice other homeschooled kids having similar difficulties, but the fact is, it’s extremely common (within our uncommon demographic), and will require some patience on your part.

If your student is in school, you may be frustrated that educators generally understand little about gifted children and may use this disconnect as “proof” that your child isn’t gifted. It certainly isn’t proof that your child isn’t gifted; however, it may be evidence that your child is not mature enough yet to access advanced courses which require high-level output.

2) Forcing gets the wrong result

One of the first instincts when homeschoolers and teachers sense a lagging skill is to push on it. However, issues of asynchronous development don’t go away if you push on them—they tend to be exacerbated. Especially in writing, it’s important to remember that good writing never comes from being forced. Students need to develop fluency in writing things they want to write before they can be challenged to write academically.

3) Focus on success

I borrowed my “focus on success” approach from teachers in Special Education. They have to accept that some of their students will never be able to function at a high level, so it doesn’t make sense to focus on the things these kids can’t do. Instead they focus on making the kids feel successful at the things they can do, then work on improving their lagging skills as best they can.

How this translates to gifted kids is that if you focus on the lagging areas too much, the kids start to think of themselves as having a problem to be addressed. Then they start to think that the problem “defines” them and they may start to try to avoid confronting it. Especially if they are perfectionists, which is common in gifted kids, they start to shy away from “working on” the “problem” because they don’t feel successful at it. Then they develop a block, and once that happens, you have a lot more work to do to get back to the place where they can work on their skills.

4) Remember that maturity is important

Our gifted kids can seem so mature, but that’s only because certain parts of their brains are developed beyond what is expected for their biological age. The other parts of their brain show age-appropriate (and sometimes lower) development. In some areas of education, you simply have to have the patience to wait for maturity to happen. As long as your child is progressing and is happy and healthy, you probably have nothing to worry about. Waiting for maturity is the right approach, as frustrating as it can be. (The exception is if your child is indicating the presence of a disability such as dyslexia or dysgraphia. In that case, you need professional help.)

There is nowhere I have noticed the importance of maturity more than in developing academic writing skills. Even my best, most fluent creative writers balk at writing essays before they are mature enough to see the need for them. Sometimes the change is almost as sudden as flipping a switch: A child who refused to do any academic writing is suddenly a teen who writes, edits, and takes pride in a serious academic essay. Sometimes the process is slow—and it often happens too late for the comfort of parents and teachers.

5) Input almost always develops before output

I have heard of kids who love to write before they can read, but this is extremely unusual and not necessarily something you should want. Avid young readers who resist academic writing are simply not ready for it, and pushing them won’t help. If input is what they are enjoying, and if their output is keeping pace with their biological age, then you’re doing fine.

6) Adapt as much as you can so input progresses while output develops naturally with maturity

While you are waiting for maturity, you can help foster a love of writing by not pushing writing assignments that are meaningless to them. As long as writing is meaningful, most students will want to do it. Read “Approaching Formal Writing” for tips on how to work on writing skills in age-appropriate ways.

As I explain in my article “Adapting Curriculum,” there are many ways outside of formal writing to continue to engage with advanced materials while not expecting advanced output. For example, if you are reading college-level literature, you can:

  • Have lots of verbal discussions about the book
  • Make it social by taking part in a book group
  • Make creative projects based on the book—visual art, videos, creative writing, comics
  • Ask your child to dictate their ideas while you type or use dictation software
  • Watch movie adaptations and do comparative analysis
  • Go on field trips related to the book’s subject

You can do these sorts of activities for pretty much any subject. Don’t discount the importance of creative output in demonstrating a child’s understanding of a text—this is a natural way for children to interact with their studies.

7) Be patient and realize that much of maturity is biological

No matter how advanced our kids are intellectually, they are still, like all of us, one with their biology. In time, their bodies will grow, their hormones will mature, and it will all sync up. Remaining patient and trusting the process is one of the greatest challenges in parenting gifted children. We need to keep our eyes on the goal: producing happy, healthy, productive adults.

My “Teaching Writing” series:

6 Takeaways from Research on Teen Brain Development

Posted on by Suki

Not every parent is the brain research junkie I am, so I thought I’d sum up some important findings from current research into teen brains. It turns out that everything your parents thought they knew about your teen brain was probably wrong. Such is the way of science that some of the information below will be wrong soon, too, but science is making progress on understanding what sort of beast we’re dealing with once the hormones hit.

In short summary:

  1. The teen brain is changing rapidly
  2. Decision-making abilities are not fully formed
  3. Social connections matter more, for better and for worse
  4. What teens put in their bodies can have a permanent effect on development
  5. Teens need sleep!
  6. Teens need adults

In longer form:

The teen brain is changing rapidly

It used to be thought that teens were pretty much done being formed and it was All Their Fault when they didn’t make good decisions. More recent research throws that idea into the garbage bin of history. Teen brains are going through huge changes, and are significantly different from adult brains well into their twenties. Where childhood was a time of forward growth and learning, the teen years are a confusing time of reorganization, throwing stuff out, and trying out new, incompletely formed abilities…

Decision-making abilities are not fully formed

…Such as decision-making. Remember when your child was two and said, “I can do it for mySELF!”? Now your teens really can do it for themselves, sorta. They have big capable bodies, adult-size sentences come out of their mouths, and many have suddenly developed a very advanced case of strong-opinion-itis.

The thing is, their brains don’t work like adult brains yet. The much-prized pre-frontal cortex of the adult human is still developing and underused. Teens tend to base their decisions on emotion, which is why they seem to change their decisions daily, hourly, and sometimes within the same sentence. When teens do make well-thought-out decisions, it’s hard work for them, much harder than for adults.

We adults have the unenviable task of supporting them in their decision-making and watching as they make bad decisions. We have to let them make bad decisions and watch them fail. And hardest of all, we have to figure out when it’s time to step in and be the “bad guy” because a decision is too disastrous to let go.

Social connections matter more, for better and for worse

I notice that articles for parents are almost always about the negative effect of teens’ need for social connections and confirmation, but really, this is largely a good thing. We want our teens to learn to be part of a social group that requires them to control their own impulses and make decisions about group participation. As adults, they will no doubt have to stand in line at the DMV, and these skills will come in handy.

We parents can support the good side of this need for social acceptance. One wise mom told me that she made sure that her house was always stocked with snacks and she was available to give rides…that way she knew what sort of trouble her kid was getting into. Another wise mom made sure to dole out hugs to all the teens that came to her house, making it clear to them that she trusted them and understood their need for social connections.

What teens put in their bodies can have a permanent effect on development

I am in no way an anti-drug crusader, but the research I’ve read should definitely give us all pause. Vaping, for example, seems relatively innocuous. But it turns out that kids who vape on a regular basis essentially turn themselves into permanent addicts. Their brains adapt to the nicotine and show permanent changes. And kids may play around with smoking weed (especially now that it’s legal in so many places), but heavy use results in irreparable changes to teens’ brain functions. This all goes for prescription drugs as well, so the early teen years are a good time to reassess. Educate yourselves, and your teens, about health, nutrition, and brain development.

Teens need sleep!

Another way of saying this is: Teens aren’t lazy! (Well, not necessarily.) They need more sleep than most of them are able to get. I highly recommend weekly planning meetings with your teens, and one of the topics can be “how are you going to get enough sleep this week?”

Teens need adults

You may be reading this still shaking from yet another interaction where your teen treated you as something lower than the dirt they were walking on. Your teen may ignore you, may make fun of you, may criticize your “mom jeans,” and may infuse all family activities with Attitude. However, your teen needs you, and this is not the time to write them off. Although helicoptering isn’t the answer, checking out isn’t, either.

No matter what, remember that when your teen looks back from adulthood, they are going to remember that you were always there supporting them. They are going to remember the advice you gave them. They not only will probably forgive you for most everything they blame you for now; they will probably also appreciate how right you were in some instances.

So we parents just have to power through this. We have to know that we are important and feel confident that we are doing our best to support our teen’s developing brain and body. Though you may feel that you’re getting performance reports from a boss who hates your work on principle, it’s a job we have to continue to do with love and confidence.

Resources:

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Posted on by Suki

On my morning walk, it occurred to me to think about why we tell kids not to lie. I can’t imagine why this subject occurred to me!

Obviously, none of us wants our kid to be a liar. Imagine: If being a liar weren’t that big a deal, we’d be a lier. But we’ve even got a special spelling for it.

So what’s the big deal? Why not tell a fib every once in a while? Before I was a parent, I didn’t really give this much thought. But having watched two kids and countless students in action, I’ve come up with a few answers.

1. If you tell a lie you have to perpetuate a lie

So telling a lie is pretty easy, right? Your mom asks, “Did you break this plate?” and you say, “no.” End of lie. End of situation. However, lies require more effort than that. Although some lies happen and then sink back into oblivion, most lies take on a life of their own. Once you tell it, you have to prop it up. Lies don’t have their own legs. They don’t fend for themselves.

“It’s true that I had lunch on that plate, however….um…then my sister decided to play frisbee with the plate and it broke.”

2. Lies almost always start pulling in other people.

So you think your lie is just a little pale thing that’s going to fall on the ground and be quiet, but then it starts to peep. Lies need attention; they want to be fed. In order to keep your lie fed, you need to draw in your sister, your friend, (your lawyer), your other parent, or perhaps your dog.

“And then Fido came in and you know how he likes to play frisbee…”

3. Lies beget other lies.

Your little pale thing not only doesn’t fall on the ground and lie quietly. It starts to make other lies. You need to make up an alibi, so it turns out you were in the bathroom. You’ve had terrible diarrhea.

“Oh, no! Maybe I should call the doctor…”

And you start piling lies on top of that lie in order to subdue it.

4. Lies start to define you.

In order to perpetuate your original lie, you have feed your ill-begotten lies and soon you find yourself being Someone Who Lies. You may even convince yourself that you’re not lying. (Even adults do this. Even adults who may be seen as successful and may even reach the pinnacles of their professions.)

5. You can’t find happiness in lies.

You find yourself confessing. Maybe you or someone you’re involved with has been charged with a crime, and there’s this inexplicable relief in confessing the lie. Lies weigh a lot more than the truth. The truth is light and almost transparent. When you tell it, sometimes bad things happen. But you didn’t create the bad things. Lies, however, are this deep, dark, complex thing that you made, and they create their own darkness. They weigh you down. Someone offers you the lightness of truth, and…

6. Lies almost always get found out, one way or another.

You think you’ve “gotten away with something,” but the truth is that lies don’t let you get away. They tether you to the situation you originally tried to avoid so that you can’t move forward. Having chosen not to embrace the light and buoyancy of the truth, you are pulled down, down, down by the weight you’ve chosen to bear. You thought you were choosing freedom, but

Lies make you less free. They tie you down to an untruth that you have to continue to justify.

It’s true: we all lie sometimes. Sometimes a little lie makes a situation move on when really, it just has to move on. Sometimes a little lie is exactly what’s needed to finesse a situation.

But in general, truth really is the best policy. Facing our mistakes and our shortcomings makes us better people. It helps the people around us trust us and then they are more willing to expose their own mistakes and shortcomings. In other words,

when we lie less, other people around us lie less.

Being a parent is hard, but sometimes it’s the gift we need. I have the utmost respect for people who choose not to have children, but I wonder how they learn these lessons. I don’t know about you, but parenting has made me a much better person. I understand lying like I never did before.

I understand why lying doesn’t work

and I understand how to suss out a liar.

Given how many adults are parents, it makes me wonder why they can’t suss out a liar, too. I fear for their children.

On the other side of the free range

Posted on by Suki

The last time I wrote about helicopter parenting was 2009. At that point, my kids were 10 and 6, a prime age when our culture is telling us to fear “stranger danger” and other harm that could come to our kids if we allow them the simple freedoms kids used to have.

Click on this handy chart from the CDC to find out the risks to your child’s life. Please notice that “stranger danger” doesn’t make the grade, as far as the CDC is concerned, of things you should worry about.

And I thought it was bad in those good ol’ days.

The New York Times reports that mothers (though, perhaps predictably, not fathers) are being charged with crimes and referred to Child Protective Services for leaving their children in perfectly safe situations that others deem “unsafe.”

Remember:

All research on childhood independence shows that hovering over children and never allowing them time to be alone is bad for them.

All research on childhood safety shows that “stranger danger” is so far down the list of risks for children (and so unpredictable) that acting to prevent it doesn’t actually prevent it.

Our free-range days

My kids are now 19 and almost 16. I allowed them a “free range childhood.” Amongst the “horrible” things I allowed:

  • walking to friends’ houses alone on our street
  • walking in the state park near our home alone
  • playing with friends on the street or in the park
  • riding the bus alone or in pairs
  • going into stores alone
  • waiting for me in the public library

My children loved to go on walks on our street. Shockingly, I allowed them to do it….though I did wish they would wear shoes!

Amongst the horrible things that have happened to them:

  • figuring out how to negotiate with typical adults
  • figuring out what to do when they missed a bus
  • learning to interact with other children naturally
  • learning how to manage money
  • and yes, making sure to keep their bodies and emotions safe from predatory humans

I realize that something truly horrible could have happened to them. But something truly horrible is so unusual and so random, it just as likely could have happened when they were with me.

The guilt monster

But I will admit, as the moms in the Times article explain, that guilt was a constant presence in my subconscious and conscious mind when they were out. I remember one time standing at the kitchen sink watching my younger child go out our front gate, having declared that they were going for a walk. I imagined the headlines: “Local parenting writer’s child abducted while walking alone.”

Bad Mommy!

For those of you with younger children now, the only advice is to keep these basic facts in mind. And if anyone questions you, please feel free to quote me:

  1. Choose your partner well, and the danger of physical violence against your child by an adult will be negligible
  2. Instead of worrying about stranger danger, get your baby vaccinated for diseases which they are more likely to die of
  3. Feed your child healthy food, including dairy without hormones, vegetables without excessive pesticides, and meat without unnecessary antibiotics
  4. Buy a safe car, and drive safely, and don’t look at your phone while driving
  5. Teach them safety skills, then…
  6. Set them free.

I can’t tell you how to avoid the guilt. That is a battle each one of us has to wage on her own.

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