Category: Psychology

Humans need meaningful work

Posted on by Suki

…and if you don’t have any, you have to make it up for yourself!

I was reading an article in from a March New Yorker (yeah, I’m a little behind) about the opioid epidemic, and something really struck me as relevant to all of us, especially during this pandemic:

What Case and Deaton have found is that the places with a smaller fraction of the working-age population in jobs are places with higher rates of deaths of despair—and that this holds true even when you look at rates of suicide, drug overdoses, and alcohol-related liver disease separately. They all go up where joblessness does.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2020/03/23/why-americans-are-dying-from-despair

The people they are referring to as “jobless” here are not people who are actively seeking employment. They are people who have given up. It turns out that the opioid epidemic is worst in places with higher rates of people who have simply given up on work.

Humans are built for meaningful work. We thrive on it. And it’s clear that “meaningful” doesn’t have to mean important, exciting, or high-status. A fellow school-mom told me that she found her job as a garbage truck driver extremely fulfilling, and I could go on and on about people I’ve met in all walks of life who found satisfaction in a job well-done—no matter what the job.

I think that this leads to an extremely important parenting issue during this pandemic:

Our kids need meaningful work

Any good teacher will tell you that their job isn’t to teach, it’s to inspire. All kids will learn if they feel that it’s the meaningful work that they are doing in their lives. Anyone can transmit information. Good teachers create an environment where learning is the job that kids are inspired to do.

But in a time of pandemic, lots of our kids are “stuck at home.” Their teachers are pixels on a screen, and now we parents are on the front line of helping them find meaning in what they are doing.

It’s a hard job! The other day I had a discussion about college during the time of Covid with my teen students, and it’s clear that this carrot that they were dangling in front of themselves is looking less like a carrot and more like an illusion, a whoopee cushion, or a relic from the past. Looking forward to college was the way they made the work they were doing feel meaningful.

Come fall, it’s going to be harder for them to find meaning in their studies. They and our younger children will all need a new way of finding pleasure in a job well done.

We ALL need meaningful work

So we parents are going to have to help inspire our kids to find meaning. But that means we have to look at our own lives and find it, too. A lot of adults out there are out of work, semi-permanently furloughed, part-time… Many of us have lost the rhythm of life that inspired us and made us feel pride in a job well done.

I’ve always felt that the number one thing parents can do for kids is to model the behavior they want to see. That means that we have to figure out a way to find meaning in what we are doing—whatever that may be.

Let’s avoid a new epidemic of despair

The New Yorker article points out that any person can become physically addicted to opioids. But the epidemic happened in places where a large amount of the people didn’t have work that gave their lives meaning.

As this pandemic runs its course, one of our jobs is to continue to be productive members of the society we live in, even if we’re stuck at home. Watching fear-mongering videos and going down Internet rabbit holes with other scared people is not going to give us what we need.

Humans need meaningful work. What does that mean to you?

Fall 2020 education: flexibility is key

Posted on by Suki

Longtime readers know that my family has used almost every type of educational approach for our kids. We like to joke that the only type of school that we haven’t tried is Christian Military Academy!

My younger son is currently about to graduate from a mainstream public high school (his choice), and I have to say, I have been pleasantly surprised at how well they have handled this crazy situation that was dumped in their laps. I’ve heard lots of complaints from parents in other districts, but I share none of them. It’s not perfect, but my son’s teachers got well-trained, really quickly, and they are trying hard.

Teachers are doing their best to maintain connections with their students.

They’re even making embarrassing videos.

One of the things that our district is doing really well is parent communication. OK, perhaps they are overdoing it: I don’t actually need a text message to tell me to read my email!

This week they asked for parent input through ThoughtExchange, a nifty little tool for exchanging ideas.

I had one thing to say and I hope I said it well: the public school system needs to be more flexible.

Rooted in tradition is not necessarily good

Public schools have not grown organically. They were formed on a specific model of learning, and all changes have taken place as if that model is not worth questioning.

When people have come up with better ideas that built on top of that model, they were tolerated. The charter school system, for example, was built on top of the standard public school model.

When people have come up with ideas that require throwing that model out the window, like the great educational thinker John Holt, for example, public schools would have none of it. They had certain tenets that would not be questioned:

All students must learn in age-homogeneous groups.

All students must be required to be on campus a minimum number of hours.

All students must study state-mandated curriculum.

Source: Wikimedia Commons

Enter the quarantine

This pause in school-as-usual can be seen two ways:

It can be seen as an irritating interruption, to be gotten past as soon as possible.

Or it can be seen as an opportunity.

I prefer opportunity.

Integrate home and school

Kids do better emotionally when they feel nurtured, loved, supported—all that stuff they have in a healthy home. We have cut families out of schools by design, and yet principals wail about lack of parent participation. Schools are simply not designed to be emotionally healthy and integrated with home life.

Now that we’ve got parents and home intertwined with school, let’s not give that up.

Stop demonizing alternatives

This is my teen attending an online class while jumping on the trampoline.

When you judge a fish by how well it climbs a tree, the fish comes out looking pretty lame. Alternative schools are for kids who need alternatives. That means that the alternative will not reflect the demographic make-up of the surrounding district. When students and families choose schools, they make choices based on themselves, not the society they live in.

Yes, we should make sure that all choices are open and welcoming to all families, but districts need to allow for differences. For example, stop demonizing a program that attracts struggling students for its low test scores.

States have to stop assuming that all cultural groups are the same. Programs that suit the unique needs of a cultural group are not equivalent to racism. Equal education does not mean the same education.

Principals have to stop coming into schools and trying to strip the individualism out of the school in the name of “quality.”

Offer maximum flexibility

In a world where families can choose 20 different types of toothpaste, education is presented as a monolithic single choice.

That doesn’t fit with our culture. Some students, certainly, not only need to be at school for the allotted time but also need aftercare. Some students thrive in standard curriculum with a typical school day schedule.

But many students don’t. Parents around the country are remarking on the positive changes they are seeing in their children:

My kids are learning so much more at home.

My teen is sleeping—finally! And waking up a reasonable human being.

My kid who was bullied has had a huge dip in her anxiety level.

We started following my kids’ interests and suddenly they love education.

Live and LEARN

If public school administrators and teachers don’t learn from this experience, they’re in the wrong profession. Teachers talk about creating lifelong learners—this should be the goal of everyone. We should all look at this situation and see what we can take away from it that is positive and good.

I was happy to see that I wasn’t the lone voice for thoughtful reconsidering of what school should be in the ThoughtExchange conversation initiated by my district. Let’s make sure the districts hear our voices, and don’t think that reversion to the status quo is any sort of achievement.

Resources:

3 things you can do to help your child with Covid-19 anxiety

Posted on by Suki

Something I notice is that advice articles for mental health often speak to adults about adult problems. But our kids often face the same challenges—especially these days and especially when it comes to anxiety.

So this isn’t my advice, per se, but rather distilled from a bunch of articles I’ve read. But it is mine in that as a teacher of a pack of highly sensitive, perfectionistic, creative kids…I know a little about dealing with kids and anxiety!

So here’s the advice, from parent/teacher to parents/teachers:

Give them accurate information

Kids know when we’re lying. And when we don’t give them full information, they go try to find it online or from their friends or siblings.

Yet parents are tempted, over and over, to withhold information from their children. Whether it’s how babies are made or the effects of illegal drugs, parents can be tempted to hope that by sticking their heads in the sand, they’ll save their kids some heartache.

Jacob Chayat on Wikimedia

But accurate information is the key to figuring out the root of anxiety. And kids of any age can handle accurate information that is offered in an age-appropriate manner. Telling your kids “don’t worry about it” isn’t really going to fly, whether the issue at hand is making babies, taking drugs, or a worldwide coronavirus epidemic.

If you haven’t done so, make a regular habit of having conversations (formal or informal, whichever works best in your family). Update your kids on what is happening and what’s being done. Make sure they trust you enough to go to you first for answers.

Let them know that they can’t think their way out of this

Jacob Chayat on Wikimedia

This is a classic situation for runaway anxiety: Fear in humans starts in our “lizard brain,” the deeper brain that we have little conscious control over. But the part of our brain that we think about as our “thinking” brain, the prefrontal cortex, is pretty darn egotistical. It thinks it can think us out of any problems we face.

But we can’t think ourselves out of fear of something that really is fearful and really is menacing us. We have to accept that this coronavirus is scary. For your kids, it’s the realest, scariest thing they’ve probably ever faced.

Help your kids accept that fear is part of this situation, but that trying to think ourselves out just sends us into a brain spin. If your kids were already prone to anxiety, you know what it’s like. They think and think and with each think get deeper into the spin of anxiety.

The only way out of this is forward, and the only way out of this without fear taking over our lives is to accept that this situation is fearful, but to focus on what is being done to fix it.

Give them a positive role to play

For a long time, American parents have operated on the premise that kids are better off not knowing about or taking part in the problems around them. We want to protect our kids, and modern day American life has given us the tools to do so.

But even in normal times, protecting our kids from everything does them a huge disservice. Remember a lifetime ago when we were preoccupied with helicopter parents? Well, we’re still helicoptering. We need to land that copter and find a way to include our kids.

Use whatever resources you have to give them a role to play, however small. Can they make videos for other kids? Can they sew masks? Can they help you choose a food kitchen to donate to?

It’s not pollyannaish to put a positive spin on this situation—it’s a survival mechanism.

I hope you are all weathering this as best you can, staying healthy, and enjoying more time with your children.

Resources:

Support your teen who is learning at home

Posted on by Suki

The other day I wrote about homeschooling tips you can use with your suddenly-at-home younger kids. Today I’m addressing your teens, who may have quite different needs.

Whether your teen is homeschooled or at school in regular life, things have changed. They are now home 24/7 and that can exacerbate existing tensions. Teens thrive with independence because that’s what they are programmed to seek. If your teen doesn’t seem too thrilled at your suggestion to play a board game with the family, well, that’s not too surprising.

Trust them

First, let’s get this over with: Teens who have their parents’ trust are more likely to trust their parents, more likely to confide in them, and more likely to heed their advice. Make it clear to your teen that you trust them. Don’t forget to tell them what you admire about them.

But then, be frank with them. Make sure they’ve been exposed to non-alarmist, fact-based information about what’s happening. Then make it clear that you trust them to do the right thing.

Let ’em out

A number of my teen students have told me that their parents are keeping them inside, and not, apparently, because that’s warranted. Find out what your local and state health departments are advising. Ours, both in my county and state, are advising that non-symptomatic people get out and get fresh air and exercise—as long as they follow social distancing rules.

This is especially important for your teens. Encourage them to get out in the natural light and get some exercise. It will be good for their emotional health as well as their physical health. If they absolutely must be inside, go back to the question of trust: Make sure they understand why they’re cooped up and what the parameters are.

Explore with them

My teen and I like to give ourselves facials. And I am definitely going to ask for a fun stripe of colored hair!

Whether you are out or in, you can join your teen in their explorations. Maybe you can both learn a new skill, like bread-baking or chess. Maybe you can go to a park for a walk.

Ask your teen to show you funny videos. Do your hair together. Watch a show. They might reject you, but you can always try!

Support but don’t pressure them about academics

Chances are your teen’s academics are going to look a little different for the rest of the semester. Ask them what they need from you, but if you weren’t involved on a day-to-day level before, back off and give them some space. Remember: every single kid applying to college is going to have a story to tell about what happened this semester. A bad grade or an incomplete really won’t be the end. And it’s certainly not worth destroying your relationship over.

Love them

So many teens believe that their parents don’t love them. So many parents are convinced that their teens disdain them. In any case, we have to fight against that. Remind them that you love them, even as you let them have the independence that they seek.

Further reading: Nice article from Greater Good magazine

Temporary homeschooling tips!

Posted on by Suki

12 years ago, I came home from my younger child’s kindergarten in distress. It was clear that his developmental issues were making it impossible for him to learn in a classroom setting.

I suddenly became the world’s most reluctant homeschooler.

That experience forced me to get creative—just like millions of parents around the US are suddenly being forced to get creative due to quarantines and school closures.

You may not be in a position to become a homeschooler full-time, but here are some tips for ways that you can keep your kids—and you—from going insane in the short term.

Cure your nature deficit

Have you heard of Nature Deficit Disorder? It’s a thing. It’s one of the underlying issues in modern kids’ behavioral problems. It’s easily curable:

Go outside. Outside is a great place to be during an epidemic, as long as your family has not been quarantined due to an active infection. And even if you don’t live near actual nature, a walk on city streets gets your kids out in the natural light.

Raining? Snowing? Humans are resilient. Our bodies do fine anywhere from the edge of the Arctic to the rainforest. Put on gear, go out, get muddy, get ridiculous.

Afraid of making too much laundry? What else do you have to do?

Gamify!

Kids’ brains are wired for learning and investigation. The reason they like those video games so much is that they are engineered to take advantage of kids’ natural inclinations.

You can do it, too. Make everything you do into a ridiculous game. Have to walk somewhere because you can’t take public transit? Invent a contest for the funniest walk. Stuck in a two-level condo with energetic kids? Invent a game that involves going up and down the stairs…a lot.

Treasure hunt

There is nothing kids like more than a treasure hunt. Not convinced? Try it. If you’re not stuck inside, do a treasure hunt in your neighborhood: make a list of things they need to find. If you don’t want them to touch anything, give them a device and have them take photos. Kids are like little seeking machines—once they get into it, they’ll wear you out before they’re done. (If you’re stuck inside, hide small items like marbles around the house and give the kids buckets!)

Counting

This was often a last-ditch resort of mine, trying to keep a high-energy kid focused so we could get things done or get somewhere we needed to go. Ask them to count. How many telephone poles are there on our street? How many squirrels can you see in the next ten minutes? (Set a timer—timers are great motivation for kids.) Let’s find all the prime numbers up to a hundred.

A change of paradigm

What I tell new homeschoolers is that their new educational path is not a change of schools, it’s a change of paradigm. Your entire life shifts when you are suddenly at home with people you used to send off to school.

We’re all stuck in this new paradigm, for a while at least. Rather than fighting it, I suggest you embrace it. As the mother of one kid in college and another about to leave, I will tell you that these years go fast.

You might even create some fun memories during this time of stress and uncertainty.

Now available