Tag: internet

Parenting in the age of fear porn

Posted on by Suki

Faced with clickbait articles about all the harm we can do to our children, it’s hard to know how to make decisions. Parents are facing very real distress at the onslaught of competing voices. I am not immune, of course, but I have made a choice.

I advocate rational decision-making based on using the information we have, then moving forward with our lives without regret.

Here’s why:

Rational decision-making is a process of watching accumulating data and making the best choices given the data we have.

There’s a great temptation to parents to try to figure out what to do based on our fears of the future. Will we regret making this choice?

But there’s no reason to regret your past choices if they were made based on the best data you had at the time. Rational decision-making allows you to let your future self off the hook.

Fear journalism is not there to inform us or help us in our decision-making.

Fear-based articles are not there to inform us. They are there to titillate us. People get off on reading scary stories about what other people “did to” their kids.

I remember what it was like when states started enacting seatbelt laws: I kept running into stories about how “my kid/mother/friend” was “thrown clear” in an accident and “would have died” if s/he’d been in a seatbelt.

Of course, the data on seatbelts is absolutely, unequivocally clear: they save lives. For every person who might have been “saved” by not being in a seatbelt, millions really are saved.

Make the right choice for now and don’t regret it later if more data proves that choice wrong.

It’s very common for parents now to agonize over choices they have to make for their children. Many of these choices are medical, and involve a new vaccine, therapy, or treatment. The best way forward in all of these cases is to check out the reasons for the treatment, what the current understanding is, and go forward with the treatment if there is no clear reason not to. In the future, accumulated data might suggest that the risk of that particular treatment outweighs the benefits in certain cases. Or maybe a commonly accepted treatment will be replaced by something better. But that won’t change the rightness or wrongness of an individual choice at this time.

The right choice is to do what current understanding says is the best choice, and not regret it later.

Decisions made based on fears of what might happen aren’t rational and don’t have good outcomes in general.

Just because sometimes they turn out to be “right” doesn’t make them rational. Most of the time decisions made out of fear have worse outcomes than rational decisions. But there’s very little money in publishing stories about bad things that didn’t happen: “My Kid Didn’t End Up in a Wheelchair Because of Polio” isn’t very enticing clickbait.

People seek out titillation.

We are living in an age of fear porn.

Parents are the most vulnerable victims of fear-based journalism. We are making choices for other humans that could change their entire lives.

One area where fear-based journalism has had a great effect is vaccines. We read and hear these fear stories daily. “My child got a vaccine and this horrible thing happened.”

But the data on vaccines is abundant and the scientific community continues to agree: The overall effect of vaccines on our population is a clear positive. If you like to get your journalism with a dose of humor and foul language, check out this piece by John Oliver. If you like a point-by-point refutation, this is a good one from Australia. If you want links to the data, start at the CDC.

With vaccines, the only rational decision to make is to go with the data we have on hand and move forward. Fear of what might happen leads us to make irrational decisions. Understanding the data lets us make the right choice for now and move on.

How we live and parent is our choice.

You don’t have to go with the crowd and live a life based on clickbait-generated fear. You get to make the decision about how to live your life.

The rational way to get through this life of too many competing voices is to make the best decision based on the information we have on hand and move on. But this is hard to do when we are facing the onslaught of fear journalism.

Reject fear porn.

Avoid clickbait, let your future self off the hook, and stick with the science.

Also, listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson.

More on this topic:

Beauty and the modern human

Posted on by Suki

Recently a Facebook “friend” (a young woman I was in a class with for a few months) posted that she had been deemed “ugly” by an app that purports to be able to divine whether someone is “beautiful” using math.

Apparently, her “interocular distance” was too wide, and some other such nonsense.

Well, yes, it’s nonsense—but I’m sure that mathematically, it’s true. This young woman is striking by anyone’s measure. She doesn’t look like anyone else. Her eyes are noticeably far apart. But does that make her ugly?

I was lucky to have been assigned John Berger’s Ways of Seeing as college reading. No doubt it’s terribly dated now, but at the time, it was mind-bending. Using the nineteenth-century oil painting tradition, he showed how “beauty” in many instances is actually more about power and ownership.

Real beauty isn’t perfectly symmetrical faces. It’s not female bodies molded to fit an ideal invented on a computer screen. It’s not the perfection of a Photoshopped landscape that removes all irregularity and dullness.

The Botticelli head cut out by John Berger in the opening sequence of “Ways of Seeing”

When I think about things I find beautiful, I know that it’s the imperfection that sets them off. Why would I find beauty in a face so generically perfect I wouldn’t be able pick her out on the street? I read somewhere that all the most successful actors have something “wrong” with their faces.

But this is the joke our modern culture is playing on us: On the one hand, we prefer imperfection. We find people attractive who have all sorts of imperfections. Sometimes the imperfection itself is what attracts people.

On the other hand, we are pressured to change our own selves to make ourselves more and more perfect, less and less interesting. Women especially, but men more often now, fuss about their faces, their butts, their ankles, their hair. In a world where we actually can change almost any aspect of our looks, people are starting to think that they should.

The problem is, perfection isn’t attractive in the literal sense of the word: humans are not attracted to perfect specimens. I read recently about an experiment that underscores this: viewer were shown two photos of the same subject. One photo was a selfie, approved by the subject; the other was an informal photo taken by a researcher. The viewers overwhelmingly choose the non-selfies as “more attractive.”

This is from a 17 Magazine article about taking the perfect selfie. What a perfect illustration of how repulsive we can make ourselves look when we are trying to please other people!

In other words, what we do to ourselves in the name of social acceptance may actually have the opposite effect. When thong underwear were all the rage, for example, a male of my acquaintance confessed to me that he found panty lines very erotic.

I was very heartened by the responses that came from my “friend’s” real friends: They were appalled, amused, outraged. One of her friends posted something like, “the male half of this species begs to differ.”

I feel like each one of us needs to consider that everyone we meet is subject to this sort of media onslaught. We need to appreciate each other’s imperfect beauties, and do it out loud. We need to appreciate the individual ways in which people make this world more beautiful, whether it’s by what they wear or what they do.

Our culture is hell-bent on making us all feel like ugly, repulsive creatures who need to submit ourselves to daily torture to pay for our sins.

I beg to differ.

 

Our approach to Internet safety

Posted on by Suki

My older child takes part in open source projects, posts on forums about topics he’s interested in, and uses the Internet daily in his education, his leadership/service projects, and his social life. He’s now almost 18, but he’s been online for many years, starting in the Scratch community at the age of 9.

talkingonyoutubeMy younger child is an active Youtuber. He loves Instagram. He chats with friends he’s never met in person. He loves to share his creative work, and he takes part in conversations about topics that interest him.

I think that overall taking part in creative communities and finding people to share interests online is an extremely positive experience for most kids. They get direct feedback on their work, and get to feel like they are taking part in a larger creative conversation. I definitely feel that parents who keep their kids off the Internet are being too cautious, sort of like not letting them travel to a nearby city by automobile because it’s more dangerous than walking. The benefits are so great it’s worth taking some risks.

However – the big however – I also think it’s really important for parents to be aware and to educate their children. Kids are growing up as digital natives, and this is all within “normal” for them. So we adults run the risk of sounding like reactionary old fogies when we talk to our kids.

Lots of parents are confused about whether they should allow their kids to share online, and how they should do it. Ours is an imperfect system, of course (all family systems are). But I’m offering it up as an example for others to consider.

Reasonable restrictions

Here are the restrictions we put on our kids’ Internet usage:

1) Before the age of 13, they chose a pseudonym to use online and were not allowed to divulge their real name to anyone we already didn’t know IRL. My younger one is still using the pseudonym as a Youtuber, though now 14. My older one, who is building the foundations of a career, uses his real name.

2) Everyone in the family is required to have a master password that they write on a piece of paper (how 20th century!) and keep in a sealed envelope in a special place. This is just in case of emergency, and we’ve never opened these envelopes and hope we’ll never need to.

3) I subscribe to my kids’ channels and connect with them on all of their social media. For one of them, this is easy. The other one loves to generate new accounts, so it’s a challenge! But I feel that they shouldn’t be saying anything online that they wouldn’t feel comfortable saying IRL, and I hope that my presence as their online “friend” normalizes this connection between the online and physical world. I don’t snoop, but I do want to know where they are if I need to help them.

Bad things happen

independence-dayOf course we all read the horror stories about kids on the Internet. But here are some of the bad things that are actually likely to happen:

Unless your child creates a password-protected blog and only unlisted Youtube videos, others will be able to find them. Those others may have different values. The most common thing that raises my hackles is the type of language used in comments on Youtube. This is something you won’t be able to get away from. In our family, we just talk about how this isn’t the way we talk to each other, and we try to brush it off.

You will also get people who are dismissive or critical – maybe once or maybe they will move into bullying behavior. In any case, your kid is likely at some point to get “you suck” type of comments. My Youtuber just totally shrugs them off. But more sensitive kids might need support when this happens, and of course, extended bullying has to be dealt with.

Kids also get really drawn into conversations and can experience obsessive/emotional/depressive behaviors as a result. Again, how kids react to this depends on what they’re like to begin with, and parents can watch for signs and keep an open dialogue if they are concerned.

But what about the really horrific stories?

And then there are those other horror stories: My personal approach is to know that we take appropriate precautions in our family and that these things are unlikely to happen. And also, they’re just unlikely in any case. Just like stranger abduction, they’re scary but much less frequent than the media leads us to believe.

Balance

robosukipatrckWhat our family aims for is creating the same balance in online life that we try to have in “real” life: We want our children to be independent, creative, and to feel comfortable exploring. We also want them know that we love them, support them, and have their backs when people mistreat them.

Each family, of course, makes their own decisions based on their own values and experiences. The important thing to consider is whether you are communicating those values and experiences to your children by making reasonable, supportive rules for their online lives.

Resources:

Other posts on this topic:

Woman types into blog software. And the next thing that happens is mind-boggling.

Posted on by Suki

Do you respond to clickbait? I really

really

really

really

want to.

I want to click on that headline, which always has the same sentence structure:

[Person] [verbs] [object]. And the next thing that happens will [outrageously over-stated verb] you.

Are we done with this yet? Has Facebook yet inured us to to charms of that headline?

The answer is no. Here I am:

  • I started using the Internet when it was still called the Arpanet.
  • I got involved in my first flame-war when most people thought that anyone who was “flaming” needed a fire extinguisher. And quick.
  • I saw a demo of the Web very shortly after it had been invented. OK, I admit it: I thought it was inconsequential.
  • My husband invented the first animation app for the Web. I used it on one of my first websites.
Cute cat
This is an unbelievably cute cat picture I got by googling “cut cat photo.” Isn’t it unbelievably cute?? Don’t you want to click on it? Well, so there. I didn’t make it clickable. You’ll just have to look at its shining eyes and cute little white paws and sigh a big, deep sigh before you follow my instructions and go pay attention to your family, friends, or dog. (Or cat. We have cats, by the way. No dog-centricity here. None whatsoever.)

I’m not saying all this to brag. (In fact, I believe that the above facts may place me somewhere on the spectrum between “geek,” “dork,” and “really, really old.”)

I just want to lay things out here. I am not a neophyte. I used the word “newbie” before you were ever close to being a newbie. Perhaps before you were born.

Yet, I want to click on those links.

You know the ones. I see them on Facebook but I bet you see them all over because you’re cooler than I am and you actually know what the heck people use Instagram and Pinterest for.

[Person] [verbs] [object]. And the next thing that happens will [outrageously over-stated verb] you.

It’s like they have found the secret sauce of headlines.

Here’s today’s:

Man Pours Couscous On The Table, But The Next Thing He Does Is Mind-Boggling

Never mind the fact that the writer doesn’t understand capitalization rules. The reason I didn’t hotlink that is because You Want To Click On It.

So do I, so don’t feel so bad.

We all do. My clickbait headline of today is this:

Woman Wants To Click On Stupid Clickbait. What Happens Next Will Blow Your Mind.

Here’s what happens next:

I take my empty wine glass and leave my office. I go downstairs. I kiss my husband, who is making paella (god bless him). I find out what my children have been doing today. I refill my empty wine glass (god bless the winemaker). We sit at our dinner table and we talk. We talk of inconsequential things. We talk of consequential things. But never,

ever,

do we say to  each other:

“The next thing I’m going to tell you will

blow

your

mind.”

Because let’s face it. It’s clickbait. We all have better things to do with our lives.

Please stop reading this. Stop reading Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest. (Do you “read” Instagram and Pinterest or do some other verb to those?) Go to your family, your friends, or even your dog, and do something real.

Please, I implore you.

Woman Implores Readers To Stop Reading. And What Happens Next Is Really Not Very Important At All.

And that’s the way life should be.

Bye.

Good people, bad people, and the rest of us

Posted on by Suki

The other day when we were talking to our kids about interacting with other people online, we came up against a problem that we face over and over as parents:

Concern #1: We don’t think it’s healthy for our kids to view the world as some horrible scary place they should be afraid of interacting with.

Concern #2: On the other hand, horrible scary things happen out there every day, and we want our children to have basic tools to deal with things that might come their way.

How you balance those concerns pretty much sums up your view of what your role as a parent is.

I tend to spend a lot of time standing in the middle of the seesaw, trying to keep it level. I did let my kids walk around the neighborhood alone when they were little. I didn’t prime them with horrible stories about mean people and what they will do to them. I did tell them that it’s OK to question the motives of adults they come into contact with.

Mean people R us, some of the time

A challenge for parents is to develop a consistent approach to how we deal with danger in the world, especially potentially dangerous people. What I came up with translates pretty well to the online world as well:

Premise #1: There is a small number of really terrible people in this world who want to hurt others.

Premise #2: There is a small number of really saintly people who will never hurt anyone or anything.

Premise #3: The rest of us just do our best with what life throws us.

I’ve never been terribly concerned about Premise #1, to tell you the truth. If you want your children not to be hurt by an adult, you’d do well to choose a partner who won’t hurt them because that’s who’s most likely to do it. If there are other people in your life who might hurt your children, do your best to change your life so that you don’t interact with those people.

Stranger-on-stranger violence is rare enough; stranger-adult-on-child violence is really quite rare. It’s also generally not possible to predict, so you can’t live your life assuming that everyone is out to get you.

Since you can’t reliably identify the saints amongst us, Premise #3 is where things get hairy. The fact is, sometimes we human beings don’t behave as well as we should. One of the situations in which we behave less well than normal is when we feel anonymous. Those who live in tourist towns, like me, can tell you without hesitation that people are less polite and leave more garbage lying around when they are at outside of their own community.

Our online lives have offered all of us a certain measure of anonymity and distance from the people we interact with. Even real humans that we see in the real world gain a certain amount of psychological distance online. People put things in email they’d never say to someone’s face. Facebook generates mini-scandals and lots of hurt feelings every day.

Do your best, keep trying to do better

So when we’re talking to our kids about taking care of themselves—in the “real” world or online—we’re more concerned about that huge number of people who are simply doing their best. We’re concerned whether our children are conscious of their own behavior and how it might affect others. And we’re concerned that another child that they met online may not have the same guidance from the adults in his or her real life.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible that the child they met online is actually a 34-year-old serial child kidnapper. It’s just that when I worry about which values to impart to my children, I put fear of someone running a red light and hitting them in a crosswalk way ahead of any of the more headline-worthy ways to get hurt in this world. It’s hard to resist the headlines (not to mention the Amber Alerts shining above the highways) and just plow forward with a hope that our kids will do OK for themselves in the world.

I think that open communication is the best way to do that. Each of us has to make a decision about where on the seesaw we want to stand, and then decide to be OK with that decision, no matter what happens.

Resources:

 

 

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